It’s been a month (5 days ago) since my father passed away and I’m still not over the shock. Neither is my mother. I don’t know what I was expecting, like I should be over it by now? I keep imagining in my head that all those around me must be expecting that I’d be over it by now, uncertain if I really am imagining these expectations or that’s really what they are expecting and then I think of course not, no one is expecting me to be over it by now, what a ridiculous thing to expect! Right?
I go back and forth and question myself and start to wonder if my thoughts are correct. Who does that? Moi, apparently. And then I wonder if that’s the right thing to do. I try to live day to day life as normally as possible, then something makes me think of him and the tears come. For my mother it’s worse. She used to work with him so every time she goes to work now she can’t avoid seeing someone who used to know him or used to work for him. The tears come uncontrollably and she carries them home with her. She can’t hide them from me and I feel bad. I don’t know how to stop feeling bad for my mother. I just worry about her.
It just doesn’t make sense. How can someone go from being here with you, talking to you, eating with you, listening to you one minute to Gone the next? I really don’t get it. I miss him so much.
There are times I really want to scream my head off. No, not times. All the time.
And not because life sucks or I’m depressed or I’m bipolar. (No disrespect to anyone who is feeling this way. For real. I mean it.) I just have so many thoughts they feel like they’ll confetti out of my head.
That’s it? Just a plethora of thoughts? My grandma can hold 1,000 thoughts in her head simultaneously without a helmet on.
That doesn’t even make sense.
Tee-hehe! Ryan Higa humor for you!
Nothing. You’re so immature. When are you going to pull out of a Peter Pan and grow up?
I wish my brain would think differently. But I don’t even know exactly what differently would look like. Or rather, sound like. Maybe it just needs silence. What does that sound like? I feel like that is impossible. No matter how quiet it is, there is always some noise. The hum of your laptop. An airplane flying overhead. Creaks in the wooden floor. Water running through pipes.
Maybe silence just means eclectic.
Moisturized skin is like a brand new start. A clean slate. Vanilla ice cream. The girl who screamed the loudest in my face went to law school. I ended up in accounting. What does that say about me? It’s like rain during your drive home, but it turns into sunshine as soon as you get home. Where did it all go? It got all mixed up in a fatberg. In stray hairs on the carpet that get picked up over and over again. Some were pulled out and others fell out of the sky into a Vanessa Carlton song. Stay the course. If you don’t, you veer somewhere off course into the wrong hole. Then if it turns out to be a black hole, you’re screwed. You may never come out, or if you do come out, you come out inscrutable to the rest of the world. So much for brand new starts…
I want to go relax on the beach. Actually, I want to go somewhere I don’t have to overanalyze anything or do anything that has to be done. Because things that have to be done are such silly poos. Maybe that’s not the right word. I call my friends that I like silly poos, not my obligations. Friends that I don’t like are called friends. Anyway…wouldn’t it be nice to escape forever? Or if not forever, at least for a long period of time to some magical place where there is no concept of time so when you come back, you haven’t aged and can pick up right where you left off. Narnia! That’s it. Is Narnia like that? It’s been so long since I’ve seen the movie and read the book. I have the book, but I’m too lazy to extricate it from its home on the shelf and read it again to answer my own question. I’d have to read as fast as Albert from “How to Build a Better Boy” for that to work anyway. It would be nice to be able to talk to books. Then they could answer my questions for me. There would be no need for Google or encyclopedias. Yes, you have entered into the weirdness of YuMin’s mind after work.
That was one of the words my ex-boyfriend used to describe me. He was wrong about a lot of things, but he was right about that one and that one right thing was what I hated the most about him and me together. It’s funny it sometimes takes a romantic relationship to learn who I am, but that’s what happened seven years ago. To me, being nervous and easily upset is the worst thing in the world. I don’t know why I feel that way or where the feeling comes from. I just do. But more specifically I hate the word “high-strung.” I don’t even like saying it. It’s like if I’m thinking about saying it I’ll have to pull a Harry Potter and just call it a “you-know-what” instead. Like, my ex-boyfriend used to call me a you-know-what. That doesn’t sound right either so that’s probably why it never became a thing. Not that I hope it does because that would be weird. I just think “high-strung” makes me think of “crazy” and while I like being called a crazy writer, I don’t like being called “crazy.” Is that so crazy?
I still haven’t tried out all the pizza places around the KC area, but Grinders is already at the top of my list of go-to places for pizza. I will be doing a separate post on that to go with all my other pizza posts, but it was part of the The Escape Artist KC adventure. Before I went with my Nerdy 30s girls to check out a breakout room, I had heard of breakout rooms at work (where I used to work, not my current work) and it sounded like a fun thing to try with a team or a group of friends. So when I saw this breakout room as a Nerdy 30s event, I knew I had to try it out.
For those of you who are wondering, Nerdy 30s is a group of girls I met on Meetup.com who are all around their 30s and want to do activities that are more nerdy and less partying. I’ve talked about two other events on here, one was a sushi thing and another was the bellydancing thing. Nerdy 30s has helped me explore Kansas City in a fun way without feeling like I have to do all the typical “young people stuff” to meet new people.
The Escape Artist KC was the first breakout room I tried. I hope I will get a chance to try some other ones. We shall see. Us Nerdy 30s girls met at Grinders to talk and get to know each other a little bit before going into the breakout room. It was interesting listening to the girls’ stories of ones they had tried before. When we got to the one we were trying, it became apparent we were part of a mystery story and were the detectives to solve it. I loved the hunting for clues aspect and clues being locked up and using a whiteboard message to help us look for more clues. I won’t say exactly how it went because I don’t want to give anything away for the business, but it was really fun. From the last picture you will see we broke out with about 16 minutes remaining.
This is definitely a team-building event. You are locked in a room with a group of people for about an hour and can only leave if you figure out the mystery and put together all the clues.
I want to tell someone there’s a significant change that happens when you hit your 30s. It’s not puberty #2 or anything, but you do feel it physically. Fatigue starts settling in on your body a lot faster and it takes you longer to recover, making you acutely aware you are no longer in your 20s.
I’m going through this now, even though it’s been two years since I hit 30. It takes a minute for 30 to sink in. It really does. I wanted to share in case anyone is about to go through this or can relate. Feeling tired easily is not a fun feeling, but after you are done with your 20s, you realize you’ve learned so many lessons the dumb, hard way. You appreciate the lessons, but they make you especially thankful you are done with your 20s.
Proceed with caution. My biggest fear right now is rambling too much. I really don’t know if that’s a typical 30s thing, but it seems to be a typical YuMin thing, whatever age she is. Maybe it’s just a part of me, but I can’t shake it, so I reluctantly let it stay. It’s like I have all this word vomit I must share due to previously mentioned lessons. Older, wiser, prouder?