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the truth isn’t pretty

They are thought bullets that stick to my desk and computer monitor. They are scattered. Like little connect-the-dots that seem random, but eventually creates a picture that makes sense once connected. Some are in blue. Some are in purple. Some are in pink. And still some others are in yellow. In my case the different colors don’t mean anything, but for some people, different colors can mean different things.

They are reminders on accounts, a cool new restaurant to try, a fun bookstore to visit, a useful website for writing, a new trick in Excel, a monthly directive, and a music lesson. They are parts of grocery lists, where to get homemade pop tarts, a dentist appointment, an invitation to a Halloween party, and podcasts to listen to. They come shooting out of my fingers faster than my brain can command, wanting to be done so they can jump into my recycling bin and shred bin. But tossing them away is futile, like plucking out unwanted hair. Take one away and two more come back in its place.

I have post-its everywhere. Work and at home.

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Crazy Writer Time #5: Confession

I haven’t been writing a lot lately and it’s my own fault. Sometimes it’s because of my schedule, but mostly it is because of lack of record-worthy inspiration. I say this because I don’t find it hard to get inspired by something, but I do find it hard to write it down. I don’t even know if that’s normal for a writer or if it’s due to pure laziness, but I’ve resolved to get better at it this week. I can’t be like this anymore. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t even have writer’s block, it’s simply feeling tired at the end of the day and not feeling like writing, unless I’m blogging about One Tree Hill. (And ironically, I am thinking of Brooke Davis prepping for her presidential speech and she tells Lucas, “I am who I am. No excuses.” That resonates with me right now as I am owning up to my laziness to write.) I think I’ve avoided writing publicly almost because I’m afraid of failure. When I’m afraid of failure, I watch my comfort shows because it takes my mind off of the task at hand. And in true procrastinator style, it lets me put off my task at hand. But lately, it’s getting out of control for me. I find myself not able to write anything on a certain day unless I’m getting the chance to watch “One Tree Hill.” That show motivates me to write. That is the ugly truth about being a crazy writer. As much as I love writing and telling people that is my number one passion, it hurts when I think about the days that go by and I don’t write anything worth posting.

One thing that has helped me stay on track though or rather, help myself keep myself accountable is my quasi bullet journal I keep at the back of my Erin Condren. There’s a section in my planner at the back where there’s a lot of dots in a sort of graph paper layout, so I turned it into a bullet journal to quench my desire to start a bullet journal when I don’t need to add yet another notebook to my gargantuan pile of notebooks. (That’s another fun problem of being a crazy writer. Am I right?) I make two boxes for every day, one for reading and one for writing. If I read something that day, I color the box blue. If I wrote something that day, I color the box red. If I didn’t do something that day, I color the box yellow for incomplete. Whenever I flip to that page it is a visual reminder of where I’ve fallen short or where I’ve made progress or where I’ve kept up with my writing and reading habits.