I have never danced in the rain. I have never kissed anyone in the rain. I have always thought I’m capable of these things though, that I’m the kind of girl that could do these things. I couldn’t even tell you why except for the one day I woke up and decided whatever I was going to be, I was going to be different from everybody else. That’s it. But now there’s TV shows and movies that feature people doing these exact rain things so even if I do these things now it won’t mean anything. Is the purpose we feel alive when we do something we know has absolutely never been done before? With so many people in the world though, how do you know if you are doing something no one has ever done before? Who would be the person you could tell you did that very thing? And even if you found that person, could you trust them? Gossip grows like an untamed wildfire and there’s nothing worse than ruining your reputation. No amount of hard work can undo something like that. I guess these rain things can normally be seen as romantic, like the kind of romantic you find in relationships, not the languages kind. (I hate it when a guy I’m talking to and just talking to, thinks I mean the relationship kind and not the languages kind.) But what about dancing in the rain out of pure joy? What about kissing in the rain just because the moment calls for it? I’m going to venture to say these rain things are more acts of happiness rather than romance. They look like good ideas in TV shows and movies, but practically speaking, there’s a part of me that imagines the flip side—one where I would catch a cold or something from doing these things. Plus TV and movies only show the up side of things, not the everyday dull moments or the bad side of things. We need to be embracing when it comes to the everyday things we do, making them just as exciting as moments that qualify for dancing in the rain.
It has been brought to my attention the idea of “going back to normal.” Now now kids. I’m not sure anyone has ever defined what normal is. If someone has, I haven’t heard of it. Is normal just a time when face masks were not required? Social distancing was not required? Hugging allowed? Touching in general allowed? To be honest, even if we achieve herd immunity and it’s relatively safe to go outside again without a mask on, I might wear a mask anyway for the rest of my life. The number of flu cases have gone down is just one reason. But besides that, is normal going about your day-to-day business without thinking about how your actions may affect someone else’s life? Do we really have to wait until someone we know passes away to be more vigilant with washing our hands and watching when we touch our faces? If that’s normal I don’t know if I want to go back to it. In fact, I’d venture to say that normal doesn’t stay the same all the time. Its definition changes as life changes. Maybe wearing a mask and social distancing is the new normal. We may not like the new normal, but we have no choice but to accept it. The alternative is something we don’t want to think about, but happens to everyone no matter what you believe in.
So I don’t think I want to go back to normal. I would rather accept the normal I am in right now and make the best of the situation. If we can save lives by wearing masks and social distancing and washing our hands, I’d say that’s a small price to pay to make sure other people can enjoy this life. But if we can do that, we can also quit smoking so no one has to die from lung cancer from secondhand smoke. And if we can do that we can quit sleeping around with anyone who is not our current spouse to prevent the spread of STDs and heartache. We can learn to communicate better with each other, not just clearly, but honestly. We can learn to share what has been given to us so no one goes hungry or becomes a drug addict as a result. We can learn to clean up after ourselves so the proper items we consume are recycled, reduced, and reused so we not only take care of our neighbors, but our beautiful planet. Lofty goals? Maybe. Attainable? I00%.
Every day is like Groundhog Day. Even news reporters report on the same things every night, but now in addition to the pandemic, there seems to be the side effects of the pandemic to report on, which just makes the news all about this infamous virus that will not go away. Yes, we have a light at the end of the tunnel coming in the form of the vaccine, but the virus has certainly taken over our lives, sometimes literally, which is sad to think about. I think for some, in addition to the physical virus, a mental virus has taken over, leading to all these violent headlines and I’m not just referring to the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. I’m including headlines like this one, where a shooting rampage went on in Chicago. It pains me to see headlines like this and while I know this one headline may not even be a result of a mental virus, it is just one of many that makes me think there is a mental virus going around as a side effect of the virus going around. Even if that’s not it, a shooting rampage on its own is already sad enough. People are getting tired of staying at home, social distancing, and wearing a mask, but what can you do? Does that really warrant a shooting? We need Miss Congeniality. She would know what to do. She would know what to say. She would know how to defend, not fight. She would know how to get gun violence under control. She would know how to be the job, but how to be a friend as well. She would know which one was the lipstick, but above all, she would really want world peace. Go out, but be safe. Stay in, but fill your mind with positive, happy things. Then when you go out again, you can pass on positive, happy things to whoever you encounter. They will be able to do the same and what a ripple effect that will make. Take that, virus! I dare anything to stand in the path of a healthy, upright mind. Your mind is a powerful thing. It can be the thing that ultimately pulls the trigger, or it can be the thing that brings out the Miss Congeniality in you. The choice is in your hands.
Friday, June 8, 2018 – I texted you that it was such a fun night to let you know you were right about how to do fun nights when someone is a grandma like me. You didn’t respond to that text because you didn’t like the idea of me going to a bar scene without you and the potential for me to go all crazy party girl for one late night or meeting some other guy who’s a lot more funnier and charming than you. Don’t even front with that. What didn’t make sense to me is you and I weren’t even an item back then. (Not that we are now either.) Yet it hurt not to get a text back from you. It was as if you were already forcing your standards of how a perfect girlfriend should behave on me before we were anything to be labeled. I don’t even know what to label us now, but I do know now that we aren’t even an “us.” What I’m questioning is if we ever were an “us.” Especially since the beginning we have ever known each other you have treated me like I’m already “yours,” even though we have never talked about it. Wednesday Tuesday Friday. You would neither confirm nor deny any of this. I know you well enough now that your best would be to just leave me guessing because you’re not man enough to face your insecurities and move the F on and grow the F up.
That night I learned I didn’t belong amongst a group of unsober girls, I can put myself in situations where I know nobody and still have a fantastic time, I can be flexible and change my mind about a specific drink I want to try so I can try one drink collectively with a few girls who want to try the same drink, and while every other girl was talking about leaving her man at home to go out with the girls, I wanted to be one of those girls who could say stuff like that. Well, after getting to know the limited you that you ended up allowing me to know, I can say I no longer want the same things I did that night. Except I do, with someone else. Someone else who I know is worthy of my time and affection. A man who is actually a man, not a boy inside a man’s body. A man who is a leader and not afraid to take charge. A man who is confident, but not cocky. A man who communicates well, especially who is not afraid to be vulnerable with me and will let me baby him from time to time. A man who calls me “babe” and actually means it. A man who actually puts God first in all aspects of his life, not just says he does, and leads me to do the same. Who that is will be for me to know and you to not find out.
In the words of Ariana Grande: thank u, next.
Well, I’m starting the New Year with a broken heart. And my cat died exactly a year ago tomorrow. Happy New Year to me. I don’t feel sorry for myself, but I am sad. I’ve had my heart broken more times than I can count. Actually, that’s not true. I bet if I really sat down to think about it, I could count all the times I’ve had my heart broken, but I’m not going to because that’ll just make me extra sad. I don’t think I can take any more sadness. I’m writing this because this is my therapy. This time around I’ve been organizing my CDs while listening to them. They are old songs, of course, and I find that if I do my own private karaoke session with them while dancing with my old moves I learned from dance teachers in my past, I feel a lot better. I guess that would be my vocal physical therapy. Does that kind of therapy exist for real? I guess I could Google it, but I’m not. Or maybe I could be the first to bring it about! Either way, it’s helping me. I’ve also been watching a lot of music videos. I don’t know why that helps. I guess it has something to do with combining a mini movie mixed with music, two of my favorite things in the world, that makes it so therapeutic. Maybe every movie needs to be just 3 minutes long. Hopefully movies can still be made this year. If not, at least animated films should still be able to be made. It makes me think about how art and music and movies and novels exist because life is hard. (A good man is so hard to find, but a hard man is so good to find.) Duh. Everyone knows that. And all those things are a way for all of us to escape from life. Whether it’s bills or taxes or a broken heart or a broken car or a broken house or losing a loved one to cancer or worrying about a loved one in prison who is a lot more susceptible to getting the virus or black lives matter or the election or academic future or employment future or mental challenges or physical disabilities or losing a pet or all of the above, we all want to escape from it all from time to time. We all want to be loved. We all want to be understood. It’s just sometimes easier to find that love and understanding from the therapy we use to escape.