to all the yous

I could have stayed while you helped me find a job near you in the city, but I chose not to, moved back home and left a possible heartache waiting to happen. But then again, you have never stopped being my friend completely and I have always felt safe and comfortable around you, so there’s that.

Our lives mirror each other, with mine copying yours right after, but this time I didn’t have a baby right after you did. Now your boy’s growing up and there will always be a part of me that really wants to re-connect with you again, but my heart stops me right before I reach out to you. The beating in my chest knows like a little hummingbird that I wouldn’t be able to talk long before I had to leave again.

You said you liked the feel of the big ones. You wanted me to try a cig at a frat party once after our big split, but instead I spitted out some words from my research on secondhand smoke and lung cancer then tried to put a positive spin on it when I saw the look on your face and the look on the guy’s face, your flavor of the week.

You said your parents compared you to me and you resented me for that. I felt terrible knowing this was happening to you, but still you wanted to stay with me for spring break as you introduced me to your boyfriend and friends at university and then never talk to me again. You didn’t plan it that way, but it just happened. Now all I can think about is all your sexy stories you told me during that time.

I miss everything about you, even that time in fifth grade when I tried teaching you how we could walk through walls one day just because of It. It was meditation because what else would it be? You always remembered my birthday and it’s a quality I’m going to miss in future yous from now on.

I should have made it clear I understood you have no intentions with me and I accept you for who you are, even while you have trouble sharing with your family who you are, but I didn’t. Now I just miss you while you live states away, but you did buy a copy of my book and come support me at my very first author outing, so there’s that.

Every time I see your posts on Facebook, I know you’re going to make me smile because that’s what you do. You made me smile big while we were at university together and I was going through my darkest time. I don’t know how to thank you for that, but I do enjoy your cooking and painting and baby pictures. Mmm mmm good.

I still have the image of you smiling with a 2-liter bottle of Surge dancing on your head in my mind. We had just come back from “Titanic” and going to the movies is one of your most favorite things to do. Now you are out there saving lives and I hope to God you are doing okay.

We write letters now because I randomly reached out to you one time. You’re like a daughter to me as well and I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished so far. Now you have an actual daughter with the most loving husband anyone can ask for and I’m loving the pictures you are sending me of her.

I can summarize us in one word: AIM. You loved that thing and you would probably still be on that thing now if AOL hadn’t shut it down. That thing is how we bonded and grew and became so close later on post-elementary school. You told me you want me to look in the mirror every day and say, “Any guy would be damn lucky to have me.” It’s because of you that I believe this and am grateful for you pushing me to see the things about me I never saw just for not trying.

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