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the truth isn’t pretty

They are thought bullets that stick to my desk and computer monitor. They are scattered. Like little connect-the-dots that seem random, but eventually creates a picture that makes sense once connected. Some are in blue. Some are in purple. Some are in pink. And still some others are in yellow. In my case the different colors don’t mean anything, but for some people, different colors can mean different things.

They are reminders on accounts, a cool new restaurant to try, a fun bookstore to visit, a useful website for writing, a new trick in Excel, a monthly directive, and a music lesson. They are parts of grocery lists, where to get homemade pop tarts, a dentist appointment, an invitation to a Halloween party, and podcasts to listen to. They come shooting out of my fingers faster than my brain can command, wanting to be done so they can jump into my recycling bin and shred bin. But tossing them away is futile, like plucking out unwanted hair. Take one away and two more come back in its place.

I have post-its everywhere. Work and at home.

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Crazy Writer Time #5: Confession

I haven’t been writing a lot lately and it’s my own fault. Sometimes it’s because of my schedule, but mostly it is because of lack of record-worthy inspiration. I say this because I don’t find it hard to get inspired by something, but I do find it hard to write it down. I don’t even know if that’s normal for a writer or if it’s due to pure laziness, but I’ve resolved to get better at it this week. I can’t be like this anymore. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t even have writer’s block, it’s simply feeling tired at the end of the day and not feeling like writing, unless I’m blogging about One Tree Hill. (And ironically, I am thinking of Brooke Davis prepping for her presidential speech and she tells Lucas, “I am who I am. No excuses.” That resonates with me right now as I am owning up to my laziness to write.) I think I’ve avoided writing publicly almost because I’m afraid of failure. When I’m afraid of failure, I watch my comfort shows because it takes my mind off of the task at hand. And in true procrastinator style, it lets me put off my task at hand. But lately, it’s getting out of control for me. I find myself not able to write anything on a certain day unless I’m getting the chance to watch “One Tree Hill.” That show motivates me to write. That is the ugly truth about being a crazy writer. As much as I love writing and telling people that is my number one passion, it hurts when I think about the days that go by and I don’t write anything worth posting.

One thing that has helped me stay on track though or rather, help myself keep myself accountable is my quasi bullet journal I keep at the back of my Erin Condren. There’s a section in my planner at the back where there’s a lot of dots in a sort of graph paper layout, so I turned it into a bullet journal to quench my desire to start a bullet journal when I don’t need to add yet another notebook to my gargantuan pile of notebooks. (That’s another fun problem of being a crazy writer. Am I right?) I make two boxes for every day, one for reading and one for writing. If I read something that day, I color the box blue. If I wrote something that day, I color the box red. If I didn’t do something that day, I color the box yellow for incomplete. Whenever I flip to that page it is a visual reminder of where I’ve fallen short or where I’ve made progress or where I’ve kept up with my writing and reading habits.

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body language

Sometimes I like trying different fonts on for size. In a weird way it’s my vocal ritual before going on stage except with writing. So would that make it my scribbling ritual? I don’t know what I’m talking about…story of my life…

The most exciting football game to watch is one where you know both teams. And by know I mean either are a fan or have lived there. And by football game I mean NFL specifically. Those that know me will know exactly which two teams I’m talking about. But for reasons I don’t want to reveal, I’m not going to get specific on here just now. You feel conflicted – you like both teams, but which one should win?

I’ll tell you the secret. When the first team scores a touchdown, use your stomach as a barometer. It’ll tell you who you’re secretly rooting for even if you think it’s a different team. The first time it does a backflip, you’ll know. Or if your stomach gets upset when the other team is at first and goal, you’ll know. Then pay attention to your eyes to corroborate what your stomach already knows. Your eyes will follow the team it cares about just slightly more than the other one.

Pretty soon your brain joins in – it runs the stats on how many times that team has made it to the Super Bowl and how many times it won. And as the game goes on, your hands and arms form the gestures the clearly indicate the team whose side you’ve taken.

 

 

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my two cents…

People who don’t understand your boundaries don’t deserve your attention. You see, if you let someone take over your schedule one time and not say anything about it, then that person will get used to it and expect you to let them take over your schedule over and over again. Only, they won’t think that they are taking over your schedule. To them they get to be themselves around you and it’s all normal and good. So as soon as you feel someone overstepping your boundaries you feel a tendency to cut them out. But the problem is, if you do this every time someone consistently oversteps your boundaries, there may be no one left. What do you do then? You have two options. Either talk to the person about it or compromise. If you don’t do either, a huge fight is on the horizon.

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Afternoon Tea at Clock Tower Bakery & Café

I have always read about it, but had never attended an English afternoon tea until I tried it with my Nerdy 30s ladies. I was a little bit early arriving at Clock Tower Bakery & Café in Overland Park, KS on Saturday, February 10, 2018, but I did not mind. I was on the waitlist to get in to this event. It gave me time to look around the café and the table set up. It also gave me the chance to bond with one of the gals on getting somewhere early to find good parking. Everything looked like the cutest thing ever, but of course, I had nothing to compare it to. There was an etiquette list, a menu with a long selection of teas, all kinds of little sweets like checkered cake, macarons, chocolate eclairs, cream puffs and scones, all kinds of little salty treats like sausage rolls, cucumber sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, and other edibles I am missing I am sure. I was apartment hunting at the time and having conversations with the gals about the safest place to live, whether it was better to live in Kansas or Missouri (Kansas won), and what it’s like being married and having a husband who encourages girl time every once in a while, thus she was at the afternoon tea.

I had eaten lunch before going, but immediately regretted that decision once I saw the tower of mini food. If you check it out, they require reservations so they have plenty of time to prepare and I highly recommend not eating a meal beforehand. You will have enough to fill your belly and then some just with all the British snacks to go with tea. And the tea is truly traditional with milk and sugar. So many different kinds to choose from like Buckingham Palace and Monk’s Tea. The only downside for me is I am not really able to drink caffeine that is not coffee in the afternoon without feeling wired at night. It kept me up, but it was worth it for the experience of British afternoon tea.

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put the phone down

I was at a Chinese buffet yesterday with my mom (like Scarlett O’ Hara I feel like she is the only woman I can trust) and noticed many families on their phones instead of engaging with each other. Meanwhile my mom and I were swapping stories and laughing and having a good time together. It made me sad and disappointed to see so many disconnected families, but it made me grateful to have the time to spend with my mom in the way that I still can. I am cherishing every moment I get to spend with my mom. You just never know how long you have with someone.

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2.0

I try to check in with myself every now and then to see if I have successfully transformed into a girl. I know that sounds silly, but humor me for a second. I know by my phenotype I am a girl, but on the inside I think a lot like a guy. Thus, I make a lot of decisions based on how a typical guy would make them. So specifically, the basics such as hair, makeup, clothes, and all that jazz…yeah, I didn’t really care about any of all that stuff until now.

I guess you could say I have a little “more” time now than I did while I was in grade school or handling two jobs while going to more school. It’s more like I may not have time, but I’m making time for all the girly stuff I missed out on in grade school. I haven’t really figured out why the sudden interest, but it’s happening. The metamorphosis is real guys.

I’m looking for eye creams, watching YouTube tutorials on ways to do my hair and nails, going to clothing swaps, and finding fun ways to express myself verbally. I’m opening the window every day including during the winter to filter out some VOCs. Apparently we have volatile organic compounds floating around indoors and want to avoid that. I’m looking for sulfate-free shampoo, drinking water with lemon, and going for heatless hairstyles. I’m running 2-3 times a week for at least 20 minutes at a time. I’m trying to get back into ballet stretches and eventually ballet exercises like in my olden days.

Yep, it’s safe to say I’m officially a girl now.