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current events ramblings o.0

Well it finally happened. I saw a video on YouTube about the anti-Asian racism that has been going on around the world due to the coronavirus encouraging millennials, especially those of Asian descent, to speak up and do something that is positive with regards to all this hate. As a direct result of watching this video, I now feel compelled to DO SOMETHING. So I’m scribbling away, but I’m not sure how this post is going to end. Wish me luck…

So in America I think this kind of hate is more prevalent in cities in California and New York. So far I am lucky enough I have not experienced it in the Midwest. Cross my fingers I will not. I have read news articles and seen news clips on some of the violence Asians have gone through and I will say I have not been able to watch to the end of the videos. I don’t know if it’s just my personality or what, but I literally don’t have the stomach for witnessing acts of violence. I want to cry before I even finish watching the clips and they are really short videos, so what does that say about me? And this got me thinking of racism in general, not just during this pandemic. One simple question about racism: why?

What I mean is, why does racism even have to exist? It’s the UGH of all questions, at least in YuMin’s mind. >.< I have so many thoughts running through my brain right now on this topic and I know it’s not realistic to share every single grain, BUT I don’t think I can remain silent anymore. Since there are a lot of simpletons out there who care about whose fault something is or how one skin color is obviously more superior to another, let me tell you something. Did it ever occur to you that maybe people are different skin colors because of where they were located geographically in relation to where the sun hits the hardest at the equator? And each person of that location grew up around the natural resources that were already there. Those resources available to them helped to cultivate the unique skills in those people that they can apply to this day. That is why everyone is not only a different race, but different culture, different occupation, different diet, etc. DUH!

As far as the blame game goes, it’s so stupid when used on anything. I don’t care what you believe in, but did it ever occur to you that when you blame someone else, one day you’ll be blamed for something as well? Have you never done anything wrong? No one can say they have never made a mistake or never done anything wrong. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you believe in. I really don’t know why people don’t just simply treat others the way they would want to be treated like they were taught in kindergarten. Clichés are clichés for a reason, folks.

Again, this does not even begin to scratch the surface of all my thoughts and all that I’m experiencing, but I wanted to throw these coins in the fountain now and see what wishes come to life.

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everything in between is missed

Audits. Now there’s a fun word. It’ll set people off like insane overtime the first three months or so of the year for some. That being said, I’m sure many companies require employees to take annual tests that they have to pass to be fully aware of all the companies’ policies, procedures, protocols, and the like, like security training and what have you to be able to stay in business. But all trigger words aside, this workweek I took a security training on phishing, malware, passwords, WiFi security, and the like and it made me think about all the hackers and launderers out there who find it their right to take other people’s hard-earned living right out of their bank accounts. If you have that kind of brain and time on your hands, you have that kind of time to work for your own hard-earned living at something that’s actually legal. Hmph.

It must go back to society’s love for instant gratification. There’s a nod to all the kids who liked to cheat on tests. Why do all the hard work of studying night after night for two whole weeks when you can just show up on the day of the test and copy off of the genius next to you? We have instant noodles with 1,000% sodium because why would you want to go through all the trouble of collecting ingredients, chopping, dicing, spicing and putting all raw edibles into a pot or wok and turn on the stove and cook something that is fresh, to your taste, and not about to cause hypertension or clog your arteries? All for the love of instant gratification. I think the only thing people don’t want instant gratification for is playing video games. What’s the fun in starting a game expecting to encounter dragons and collecting coins and having only three lives and getting eaten by a hippo and all that jazz only to end up at the ultimate level already having skipped over all those obstacles? Nada! That wouldn’t be a very fun game at all.

Yet hackers and launderers exist, oh my! So maybe those things are not all connected, BUT the point is I don’t get why people have to be so evil and selfish like that. Why would you do it? Why would you prey on the innocent? The thing in common with all these scenarios is people like avoiding or skipping all the “boring” parts and going straight to the “fun” parts. The truth is we have to go through all the “boring” parts to get to the “fun” parts to make the “fun” parts worthwhile. But people don’t want to go through the “boring” parts because those parts are boring. A lot of times they are hard to go through and nobody likes difficult tasks unless the payoff at the end is truly rewarding. So it becomes this sickly merry-go-round of working hard vs. reaping the rewards vs. skipping straight to the reaping rewards part.

Every day we wake up and have many decisions to make. Press play. Press stop. Press rewind. Press fast forward if you have to. But whatever you do, don’t press skip.

 

 

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the umpteenth time

I hate this part right here. This is a story of a girl who got her heart broken again for the umpteenth time by the same guy, just looks different than the last one and the one before that. She notices all the toxic warning signs, but chooses to ignore them, though not on purpose. It’s like her brain is programmed to fall this way. It goes into a loop and can’t get out. Someone please smash it and watch it crumble like a chocolate chip cookie so she has a chance to start over as a different girl. Maybe a lobotomy would be easier. Who really knows? I just know I hate this part right here. This girl convinces herself there’s something wrong with her while her friends reassure her there’s nothing wrong with her. Maybe so, but that means there’s something wrong with love. Why else would this be the umpteenth time? Or maybe it wasn’t so much love that got her, but false hope? False hope will get anyone at any time. All the questions drive her nuts and she knows many of them she does not have the answers to nor will she get them. Only time and writing private letters help. After a while the umpteenth will fade back into an unpleasant memory, no, just a memory. Umpteenth will just be another lesson learned. I hate this part right here. Because no matter how many lessons I’ve learned in matters of the heart, I end up failing.

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my two cents…

People who don’t understand your boundaries don’t deserve your attention. You see, if you let someone take over your schedule one time and not say anything about it, then that person will get used to it and expect you to let them take over your schedule over and over again. Only, they won’t think that they are taking over your schedule. To them they get to be themselves around you and it’s all normal and good. So as soon as you feel someone overstepping your boundaries you feel a tendency to cut them out. But the problem is, if you do this every time someone consistently oversteps your boundaries, there may be no one left. What do you do then? You have two options. Either talk to the person about it or compromise. If you don’t do either, a huge fight is on the horizon.

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Learn from me and don’t ever say you want to be invisible out loud. Trust me, no matter how shy you may be, no matter how scared you may be to take a risk, no matter how embarrassed you are, you don’t actually ever want to be invisible. Once you say it out loud, even if only as a joke, you’ll start to see just how many different ways you can be ignored, forgotten, and screwed over.

 

 

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llegar tarde

Fear makes you late to your dentist appointment. You overthink every little thing you are going to say to the receptionist. Perfectionism is on your brain and you can’t snap out of it. Then the receptionist asks you how you are doing and you word vomit all over her so now you just have this pile of spitball slush that you can’t clean up because you don’t have a word mop for all the English papers that come flying out of your mouth.

After the appointment you have a second pile of spitball slush waiting to be fired out to your next target because you just learned something new. The question is, who is going to be your next target? You contemplate talking to Nala, but she’s been cranky for demanding an earlier feeding time since 6:00 a.m. when you crawled out of bed to attempt to not be late to your dentist appointment. Now that it’s 10:00 a.m. she’s not ready for your spitball slush – female feline needs to eat!

The text rolls in and already you’re overthinking your response to a ding you can only hear and not see. It’s almost your feeding time so you decide to grab lunch first and make it to your next Saturday appointment before having a picnic in your car to guarantee that this time you will be punctual. You get there early instead and perfectionism kicks into gear again. In six months you get to battle with fear again, only by then, you will have taken 500 naps to prepare for the moment you walk into the dentist’s office.

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Anxious much?

We are all doctors. I’m having anxiety over having anxiety. This diagnosis happened only because I was scrolling through Facebook and I found a list a Friend had shared over the symptoms of anxiety. I have every single one of them and then I became anxious reading over the list. Then I laughed at this silly exercise because maybe I don’t have anxiety at all and am only suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. You read about a disease in a book and from the listed symptoms think you have that disease because you are exhibiting those symptoms. Does that make us all doctors if we can read? Yeah, I’m probably anxious. It’s making me antsy just thinking about possibly having anxiety vs. possibly suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. Maybe I’m looking into this too much. Maybe I have something totally different. I don’t know what that is exactly, but I do have a vague idea. Only I don’t know what it’s called. Hypochondriac comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong though. That’s NOT the same thing as Med School Reading Anxiety. Now I think I’m just suffering under Verbosity. Oi. This is me having anxiety over having anxiety.

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Do you know this?

The feeling of exhaustion consumes me, like imagining what drowning would be like, only without the euphoria. I know how I got here, too, but I can’t even admit it out loud for fear it becomes reality, even though it is my reality.

Perfectionism is a beast you can’t defeat. It rides on your back and keeps your head facing the screen. You must impress the high-brows or else. You must type the right words or enter the right numbers. You must must. Your heart dances, but not in a good way. It wants to grow a pair of legs and run away.

Run away to somewhere it feels safe to be itself. Somewhere no harm can come to it and nothing can tell it to stay in one place, musting into infinity. In this place there’s no beyond. There’s only Groundhog Day.

The days blend together and it’s hard to tell if you’ve been through the trenches already or it’s only just starting. All you know is the feeling of exhaustion.

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subito

Everything needs my attention RIGHT NOW and I can’t ignore anything or else it’ll pile up like horse manure. The old tricks don’t work. Do what is due first first. Start the minimum, then take a break. Watch a video, read for pleasure, take a walk, or play a computer game. Then come back and do the next part. You’ll have a momentum going and then before you know it the task is done. I can’t use any of those tricks. I’m sure there are more. Stand on your head and recite everything you studied in the last ten minutes. I don’t know. I’m pulling stuff up from my butt now. They sound good, they really do, until you try to implement one of them tricks and procrastination takes over like a conflagration. Bah, humbug!

But things need to get done one way or another so sometimes you sacrifice quality with time and do it all in a hurry. Then Boom! It all comes crashing down and you feel like you have to start over so might as well have done things slowly and methodically from beginning to end and completed the task right the first time.

That is time you can’t get back and it makes me think of Bill Nye on the day after school I turned on the TV and he was on and he talked about one second and how it goes away and is gone FOREVER. So what can you do when this happens? Plan better for the next time and then successfully execute the plan.

That’s it?! But that’s so boring! I know. How do you think I ended up writing this blog post?