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llegar tarde

Fear makes you late to your dentist appointment. You overthink every little thing you are going to say to the receptionist. Perfectionism is on your brain and you can’t snap out of it. Then the receptionist asks you how you are doing and you word vomit all over her so now you just have this pile of spitball slush that you can’t clean up because you don’t have a word mop for all the English papers that come flying out of your mouth.

After the appointment you have a second pile of spitball slush waiting to be fired out to your next target because you just learned something new. The question is, who is going to be your next target? You contemplate talking to Nala, but she’s been cranky for demanding an earlier feeding time since 6:00 a.m. when you crawled out of bed to attempt to not be late to your dentist appointment. Now that it’s 10:00 a.m. she’s not ready for your spitball slush – female feline needs to eat!

The text rolls in and already you’re overthinking your response to a ding you can only hear and not see. It’s almost your feeding time so you decide to grab lunch first and make it to your next Saturday appointment before having a picnic in your car to guarantee that this time you will be punctual. You get there early instead and perfectionism kicks into gear again. In six months you get to battle with fear again, only by then, you will have taken 500 naps to prepare for the moment you walk into the dentist’s office.

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Anxious much?

We are all doctors. I’m having anxiety over having anxiety. This diagnosis happened only because I was scrolling through Facebook and I found a list a Friend had shared over the symptoms of anxiety. I have every single one of them and then I became anxious reading over the list. Then I laughed at this silly exercise because maybe I don’t have anxiety at all and am only suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. You read about a disease in a book and from the listed symptoms think you have that disease because you are exhibiting those symptoms. Does that make us all doctors if we can read? Yeah, I’m probably anxious. It’s making me antsy just thinking about possibly having anxiety vs. possibly suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. Maybe I’m looking into this too much. Maybe I have something totally different. I don’t know what that is exactly, but I do have a vague idea. Only I don’t know what it’s called. Hypochondriac comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong though. That’s NOT the same thing as Med School Reading Anxiety. Now I think I’m just suffering under Verbosity. Oi. This is me having anxiety over having anxiety.

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Do you know this?

The feeling of exhaustion consumes me, like imagining what drowning would be like, only without the euphoria. I know how I got here, too, but I can’t even admit it out loud for fear it becomes reality, even though it is my reality.

Perfectionism is a beast you can’t defeat. It rides on your back and keeps your head facing the screen. You must impress the high-brows or else. You must type the right words or enter the right numbers. You must must. Your heart dances, but not in a good way. It wants to grow a pair of legs and run away.

Run away to somewhere it feels safe to be itself. Somewhere no harm can come to it and nothing can tell it to stay in one place, musting into infinity. In this place there’s no beyond. There’s only Groundhog Day.

The days blend together and it’s hard to tell if you’ve been through the trenches already or it’s only just starting. All you know is the feeling of exhaustion.

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subito

Everything needs my attention RIGHT NOW and I can’t ignore anything or else it’ll pile up like horse manure. The old tricks don’t work. Do what is due first first. Start the minimum, then take a break. Watch a video, read for pleasure, take a walk, or play a computer game. Then come back and do the next part. You’ll have a momentum going and then before you know it the task is done. I can’t use any of those tricks. I’m sure there are more. Stand on your head and recite everything you studied in the last ten minutes. I don’t know. I’m pulling stuff up from my butt now. They sound good, they really do, until you try to implement one of them tricks and procrastination takes over like a conflagration. Bah, humbug!

But things need to get done one way or another so sometimes you sacrifice quality with time and do it all in a hurry. Then Boom! It all comes crashing down and you feel like you have to start over so might as well have done things slowly and methodically from beginning to end and completed the task right the first time.

That is time you can’t get back and it makes me think of Bill Nye on the day after school I turned on the TV and he was on and he talked about one second and how it goes away and is gone FOREVER. So what can you do when this happens? Plan better for the next time and then successfully execute the plan.

That’s it?! But that’s so boring! I know. How do you think I ended up writing this blog post?

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NYE 2017 Reflection

durkeecentennialtwainfriend

http://www.twainquotes.com/Cats.html

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” — Mark Twain

On New Year’s Eve. I went to a party where I didn’t know the host and I didn’t know most of the people there. My best friend took me and the party people were her friends. Actually, she knew the host and some of the people there. I don’t know why, but it made me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know everybody either.

I don’t know what it is about parties like these where I don’t know everybody, but I’ve noticed myself lately going into situations like this and reacting kind of shy I guess. The guy who opened the door had a “who are you?” look on his face. But we powered through, came in, found an empty sofa and sat down to a NYE game night. I didn’t have the best time. I shouldn’t say that. I didn’t have the expected best time. I shouldn’t say that either. I had a good time, but not the best in the way I had anticipated. Maybe I best just describe what happened and you can describe it to yourself.

The games were fine. In fact, they were exciting and a lot of fun. They were right up my alley what with guessing words, captioning meme pictures and the like, and I appreciated the fact that our host wanted to check to see if we would be OK with expletives in one. (We weren’t, based off the fact there was questioning involved and mumbling and such.) The party people knew each other, thus they were their funny entertaining selves and while all the other guests kind of look confused with our showing up, one girl had a friendly face on and she ended up being the only one I connected with all evening besides my best friend. Everybody else had their game faces on. (Haha.) I think my brain was slow. I think it had been a long day of fun, but in a good way. Not a long day in the typical sense of the word. Or maybe I just reverted to my old self. But my fear of embarrassment took over and I was suddenly not shy exactly, but not my college self who would have handled the situation with popularity and coolness and boldness.

All of a sudden every game that required me to talk was awkward for me. One of the first ones we played required me to describe a tool I needed to fix a spaceship and ask for said tool and hope someone had that tool on a card that could trade a card with me. For each card I got, anything that had specific instructions on it like “pass all your cards to the left” was easy for me to announce to the players, but anything that I had a tool on it I needed to quickly describe I remained mute in my seat. Time was of the essence, but my brain didn’t get the memo. Our host called me quiet and later labeled my best friend as such. Inside my head I got defensive. I felt my face burning up a little, but I didn’t say anything. (Ha!) My best friend couldn’t hold it in. She got vocal with her defensiveness. I knew the feeling, but I didn’t see the point for me to waste my breath on people I didn’t know. They don’t know me and I don’t owe them an explanation, and it got me thinking people get defensive when they are called quiet. Quiet is seen as a bad quality. I disagree.

I don’t think quiet is a bad thing. It is not automatically a negative trait. Why is it by default seen that way anyway? Quiet is what makes us good observers. Quiet is how we observe the loud ones, the ones who are in love with their voices and end up saying stupid things as a result. Quiet is not a bad thing. It means we are thinkers. It means we are processors. It means we actually think about what we are going to say before we say it. It means we are good listeners. It means we have good ideas and possess enough patience to wait for the right moment to do something and get lucky.

At the same time, I think there’s no need to get defensive if someone calls you that. Once you do, you validate the idea that being quiet is a bad thing. The best thing to do is remain calm, observe, form your opinion of them, and know secretly in your heart that you are better than this, better than what they label you. Who you are is never defined by a single moment. It’s just not that simple. We are all walking kaleidoscopes. As long as you know at the core who you really are, it doesn’t matter what people label you or say about you behind your back. After all, they need you more than you need them.

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What does friend even mean?

Some guys don’t know the first thing about being just friends with a girl. Vice versa as well, but I think in this case this applies to mostly guys. I think when a guy starts out trying to be just friends with a girl, he is always in it for a motive. More girls than guys are capable of being there for someone and hanging out with someone without the complications of “catching feelings” as the kids call it these days. Being just friends with someone of the opposite sex is not impossible, but a lot of times it doesn’t work out because it is hard. Feelings do get in the way.

As for me, I am hard to be friends with, period. Especially now. Life is too short to sugarcoat everything. I am a nice girl, but I can be brutally honest with people I’m close to. Why waste someone’s time making them believe everything is okay when they really need to make changes in their lives to be a better person? I’m not perfect either, but if I am able to make a suggestion to improve the quality of someone’s life, I think I should let them know if I really care about them. I say this, but even as I’m typing this, I know I struggle with being brutally honest when it is necessary. There are times you’ve got to keep your mouth shut and just let your friend fall. It’s not easy, but I don’t want to be the same kind of friend everybody else out there is like.