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my two cents…

People who don’t understand your boundaries don’t deserve your attention. You see, if you let someone take over your schedule one time and not say anything about it, then that person will get used to it and expect you to let them take over your schedule over and over again. Only, they won’t think that they are taking over your schedule. To them they get to be themselves around you and it’s all normal and good. So as soon as you feel someone overstepping your boundaries you feel a tendency to cut them out. But the problem is, if you do this every time someone consistently oversteps your boundaries, there may be no one left. What do you do then? You have two options. Either talk to the person about it or compromise. If you don’t do either, a huge fight is on the horizon.

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Learn from me and don’t ever say you want to be invisible out loud. Trust me, no matter how shy you may be, no matter how scared you may be to take a risk, no matter how embarrassed you are, you don’t actually ever want to be invisible. Once you say it out loud, even if only as a joke, you’ll start to see just how many different ways you can be ignored, forgotten, and screwed over.

 

 

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llegar tarde

Fear makes you late to your dentist appointment. You overthink every little thing you are going to say to the receptionist. Perfectionism is on your brain and you can’t snap out of it. Then the receptionist asks you how you are doing and you word vomit all over her so now you just have this pile of spitball slush that you can’t clean up because you don’t have a word mop for all the English papers that come flying out of your mouth.

After the appointment you have a second pile of spitball slush waiting to be fired out to your next target because you just learned something new. The question is, who is going to be your next target? You contemplate talking to Nala, but she’s been cranky for demanding an earlier feeding time since 6:00 a.m. when you crawled out of bed to attempt to not be late to your dentist appointment. Now that it’s 10:00 a.m. she’s not ready for your spitball slush – female feline needs to eat!

The text rolls in and already you’re overthinking your response to a ding you can only hear and not see. It’s almost your feeding time so you decide to grab lunch first and make it to your next Saturday appointment before having a picnic in your car to guarantee that this time you will be punctual. You get there early instead and perfectionism kicks into gear again. In six months you get to battle with fear again, only by then, you will have taken 500 naps to prepare for the moment you walk into the dentist’s office.

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Anxious much?

We are all doctors. I’m having anxiety over having anxiety. This diagnosis happened only because I was scrolling through Facebook and I found a list a Friend had shared over the symptoms of anxiety. I have every single one of them and then I became anxious reading over the list. Then I laughed at this silly exercise because maybe I don’t have anxiety at all and am only suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. You read about a disease in a book and from the listed symptoms think you have that disease because you are exhibiting those symptoms. Does that make us all doctors if we can read? Yeah, I’m probably anxious. It’s making me antsy just thinking about possibly having anxiety vs. possibly suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. Maybe I’m looking into this too much. Maybe I have something totally different. I don’t know what that is exactly, but I do have a vague idea. Only I don’t know what it’s called. Hypochondriac comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong though. That’s NOT the same thing as Med School Reading Anxiety. Now I think I’m just suffering under Verbosity. Oi. This is me having anxiety over having anxiety.

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Do you know this?

The feeling of exhaustion consumes me, like imagining what drowning would be like, only without the euphoria. I know how I got here, too, but I can’t even admit it out loud for fear it becomes reality, even though it is my reality.

Perfectionism is a beast you can’t defeat. It rides on your back and keeps your head facing the screen. You must impress the high-brows or else. You must type the right words or enter the right numbers. You must must. Your heart dances, but not in a good way. It wants to grow a pair of legs and run away.

Run away to somewhere it feels safe to be itself. Somewhere no harm can come to it and nothing can tell it to stay in one place, musting into infinity. In this place there’s no beyond. There’s only Groundhog Day.

The days blend together and it’s hard to tell if you’ve been through the trenches already or it’s only just starting. All you know is the feeling of exhaustion.

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subito

Everything needs my attention RIGHT NOW and I can’t ignore anything or else it’ll pile up like horse manure. The old tricks don’t work. Do what is due first first. Start the minimum, then take a break. Watch a video, read for pleasure, take a walk, or play a computer game. Then come back and do the next part. You’ll have a momentum going and then before you know it the task is done. I can’t use any of those tricks. I’m sure there are more. Stand on your head and recite everything you studied in the last ten minutes. I don’t know. I’m pulling stuff up from my butt now. They sound good, they really do, until you try to implement one of them tricks and procrastination takes over like a conflagration. Bah, humbug!

But things need to get done one way or another so sometimes you sacrifice quality with time and do it all in a hurry. Then Boom! It all comes crashing down and you feel like you have to start over so might as well have done things slowly and methodically from beginning to end and completed the task right the first time.

That is time you can’t get back and it makes me think of Bill Nye on the day after school I turned on the TV and he was on and he talked about one second and how it goes away and is gone FOREVER. So what can you do when this happens? Plan better for the next time and then successfully execute the plan.

That’s it?! But that’s so boring! I know. How do you think I ended up writing this blog post?