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subito

Everything needs my attention RIGHT NOW and I can’t ignore anything or else it’ll pile up like horse manure. The old tricks don’t work. Do what is due first first. Start the minimum, then take a break. Watch a video, read for pleasure, take a walk, or play a computer game. Then come back and do the next part. You’ll have a momentum going and then before you know it the task is done. I can’t use any of those tricks. I’m sure there are more. Stand on your head and recite everything you studied in the last ten minutes. I don’t know. I’m pulling stuff up from my butt now. They sound good, they really do, until you try to implement one of them tricks and procrastination takes over like a conflagration. Bah, humbug!

But things need to get done one way or another so sometimes you sacrifice quality with time and do it all in a hurry. Then Boom! It all comes crashing down and you feel like you have to start over so might as well have done things slowly and methodically from beginning to end and completed the task right the first time.

That is time you can’t get back and it makes me think of Bill Nye on the day after school I turned on the TV and he was on and he talked about one second and how it goes away and is gone FOREVER. So what can you do when this happens? Plan better for the next time and then successfully execute the plan.

That’s it?! But that’s so boring! I know. How do you think I ended up writing this blog post?

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NYE 2017 Reflection

durkeecentennialtwainfriend

http://www.twainquotes.com/Cats.html

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.” — Mark Twain

On New Year’s Eve. I went to a party where I didn’t know the host and I didn’t know most of the people there. My best friend took me and the party people were her friends. Actually, she knew the host and some of the people there. I don’t know why, but it made me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know everybody either.

I don’t know what it is about parties like these where I don’t know everybody, but I’ve noticed myself lately going into situations like this and reacting kind of shy I guess. The guy who opened the door had a “who are you?” look on his face. But we powered through, came in, found an empty sofa and sat down to a NYE game night. I didn’t have the best time. I shouldn’t say that. I didn’t have the expected best time. I shouldn’t say that either. I had a good time, but not the best in the way I had anticipated. Maybe I best just describe what happened and you can describe it to yourself.

The games were fine. In fact, they were exciting and a lot of fun. They were right up my alley what with guessing words, captioning meme pictures and the like, and I appreciated the fact that our host wanted to check to see if we would be OK with expletives in one. (We weren’t, based off the fact there was questioning involved and mumbling and such.) The party people knew each other, thus they were their funny entertaining selves and while all the other guests kind of look confused with our showing up, one girl had a friendly face on and she ended up being the only one I connected with all evening besides my best friend. Everybody else had their game faces on. (Haha.) I think my brain was slow. I think it had been a long day of fun, but in a good way. Not a long day in the typical sense of the word. Or maybe I just reverted to my old self. But my fear of embarrassment took over and I was suddenly not shy exactly, but not my college self who would have handled the situation with popularity and coolness and boldness.

All of a sudden every game that required me to talk was awkward for me. One of the first ones we played required me to describe a tool I needed to fix a spaceship and ask for said tool and hope someone had that tool on a card that could trade a card with me. For each card I got, anything that had specific instructions on it like “pass all your cards to the left” was easy for me to announce to the players, but anything that I had a tool on it I needed to quickly describe I remained mute in my seat. Time was of the essence, but my brain didn’t get the memo. Our host called me quiet and later labeled my best friend as such. Inside my head I got defensive. I felt my face burning up a little, but I didn’t say anything. (Ha!) My best friend couldn’t hold it in. She got vocal with her defensiveness. I knew the feeling, but I didn’t see the point for me to waste my breath on people I didn’t know. They don’t know me and I don’t owe them an explanation, and it got me thinking people get defensive when they are called quiet. Quiet is seen as a bad quality. I disagree.

I don’t think quiet is a bad thing. It is not automatically a negative trait. Why is it by default seen that way anyway? Quiet is what makes us good observers. Quiet is how we observe the loud ones, the ones who are in love with their voices and end up saying stupid things as a result. Quiet is not a bad thing. It means we are thinkers. It means we are processors. It means we actually think about what we are going to say before we say it. It means we are good listeners. It means we have good ideas and possess enough patience to wait for the right moment to do something and get lucky.

At the same time, I think there’s no need to get defensive if someone calls you that. Once you do, you validate the idea that being quiet is a bad thing. The best thing to do is remain calm, observe, form your opinion of them, and know secretly in your heart that you are better than this, better than what they label you. Who you are is never defined by a single moment. It’s just not that simple. We are all walking kaleidoscopes. As long as you know at the core who you really are, it doesn’t matter what people label you or say about you behind your back. After all, they need you more than you need them.

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What does friend even mean?

Some guys don’t know the first thing about being just friends with a girl. Vice versa as well, but I think in this case this applies to mostly guys. I think when a guy starts out trying to be just friends with a girl, he is always in it for a motive. More girls than guys are capable of being there for someone and hanging out with someone without the complications of “catching feelings” as the kids call it these days. Being just friends with someone of the opposite sex is not impossible, but a lot of times it doesn’t work out because it is hard. Feelings do get in the way.

As for me, I am hard to be friends with, period. Especially now. Life is too short to sugarcoat everything. I am a nice girl, but I can be brutally honest with people I’m close to. Why waste someone’s time making them believe everything is okay when they really need to make changes in their lives to be a better person? I’m not perfect either, but if I am able to make a suggestion to improve the quality of someone’s life, I think I should let them know if I really care about them. I say this, but even as I’m typing this, I know I struggle with being brutally honest when it is necessary. There are times you’ve got to keep your mouth shut and just let your friend fall. It’s not easy, but I don’t want to be the same kind of friend everybody else out there is like.

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ready or not…

Show interest is what they said. But I would tell them there are certain moments in life you really wish you were inside a soundproof room so you could scream all your problems away. Or at least rid yourself of that nasty feeling in the pit of your stomach that seems to nag at you in the least convenient way possible at the most awkward moments in time. How do you do it?

There’s no way someone could see through to your thoughts. You have to express them in words, but what if there are no words to describe what you are going through? What if you must use dance or pictures, but you have none at hand and no footloose skills? Time. Someone would need to observe you when you don’t know they are watching. At the very least they would be able to deduce whether you have integrity or not. When you’re driving on the highway are you one of those who slows down as soon as a cop is driving by? Or do you follow the speed limit no matter what?

Don’t be too of anything. Too smart. Too skinny. Too boring. Too broken. We’re all broken though. Show me someone who’s not broken and I’ll show you someone who’s lying. Show interest is what they said. But I would tell them grab a parachute and just jump already.

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Inscrutable

I can’t help but think that because of all the new discoveries that get reported on a daily basis, on any given day on any given moment I am doing something wrong, living my life wrong. It’s like some hypochondriac paranoia, if such a thing actually exists. Like we’re not supposed to shower every day. Or how your cat can pass a disease to you so you shouldn’t put your face so close to it. Or how about the one about how you shouldn’t eat chicken breasts with veins in them. o.O For better or worse, the choices we make define us. It just seems nowadays it’s getting harder and harder to know how to make the right choices. Because of this there are some days I really just want to throw my hands up in the air and let these new discoveries win. If I think too much on them, I’ll paralyze my day and not move forward in anything. It’s like that time in seventh grade science class when we had to pair up and try to draw something on a piece of paper by looking through a mirror at the reflection of the piece of paper. I was doing fine until my pen felt like it hit a wall and all of a sudden I couldn’t move it further back and I was scribbling back and forth until the lines all scribbled together and the picture didn’t look like anything.

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just the right cheesy consistency

Someone I know has the motto, Dream Big. (I’m probably violating several writing rules here, but honestly, that’s what I want it to look like. Dream Big. Not dream big. Not “dream big.” Not DREAM BIG. Dream Big.) Knowing her and where she came from, I would say that motto has worked for her and continues to work for her. And she doesn’t even believe in Jesus.

OK, so this may not apply to every atheist or agnostic person, but doesn’t this example show we all have a desire to be a part of something bigger than ourselves? (Excuse the cliché, but I really mean it.) We all want to be a part of a team. Not just any old team though. No, a team that is more of a loving community, happily supportive of each other.

That said, wouldn’t it be cool if we were all a part of the same team? Instead of people tearing each other apart to get ahead like we’re a Darwinian experiment, people building each other up to bring out the best and only the best parts of each other. Wouldn’t it be cool if we lived on a planet where there was no killing, enough resources for all organisms and none domesticated for the pleasure of others. (Yes, I’m talking about zoo animals and pets. They should be free to roam and not looked at every day for a price or abandoned because their owner suddenly changes their mind on keeping them.) I would love to be a part of Team Earth.

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The joke’s on you!

Limbo. I always seem to be in limbo. Always. Never fails. Or never takes off? Is that righter? I don’t know. I just know about limbo. I’m like the Tooth Fairy in the DCOM “Toothless.” (DCOM stands for Disney Channel Original Movie for those of you who are wondering.) I’m like the anorexic removing every last grain of white rice from my plate and still thinking there’s too much food to eat. I’m the girl waiting for my crush to text back. I’m the defendant waiting for the verdict. I’m the student waiting to get her exam paper back.

I sometimes wonder if anyone else feels like this and how many. Because there is always someone out there who has felt the same as you no matter how alone you may feel. Yeah, but how many? And what is with my obsession with numbers? Am I autistic? I’m stuck in between caring about numbers and caring about words. I used to care about numbers more than words and then one day I flipped the switch and now I’m all about words and less about numbers.

But where has that gotten me? Limbo! I’m “Tuck Everlasting.” I’m Peter Pan. Actually that’s a whole other issue. You get the picture. Not the whole picture, but you know what I mean. You can pick up what I’m laying down. Who are you anyway? Why am I telling you this? Are you my parents? Friends? Society? I’ve been trying to figure you out for some time too so consider yourself in limbo. Ha!