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19.

The lady at orientation made it sound so good, like it would be so much fun and fun was as far as I could look as a recent high school senior. So here I am, a month, not planning the future like everybody else. They all are fast-forwarding to attending. Eating good food and sleeping in the most comfortable mattress and watching Disney movies because I got time to grow up. First semester didn’t go so well, but at least I didn’t fail out, not that I think it’s funny someone failed out due to a video game addiction. WOW is it? I know nothing about video games, only everything about every shade of snow. The ‘rents are away at work and I have the whole house to myself. It’s a lot of room for my thoughts to get out of control. The snow is beautiful and so are the robins hanging out on the bare branches, but that doesn’t change the fact up to this point I had been training for the Olympics and once I got in, the Olympics was over and I’m on my butt trying to figure out what my next move should be. Except I have no idea. All I want to do is be a Sheryl Crow song. At the end of this month it’s back to another semester of I don’t know. Another semester of stress beyond any freshman can imagine. Maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe I’m not, but the only ones who get it are the undergraduates of this school. They say I’m at the age where my whole life is ahead of me. I’ve heard my whole life “life is short.” So why does it feel so long?

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Not-Procrastination

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https://www.smashingmagazine.com/2010/07/the-showcase-of-beautiful-photography/

Don’t procrastinate. Stuff You Have To Do will just build up like plaque in between your teeth and then you’ll have to figure out how to tackle all of it at once like an ant bathes in a drop of water. Believe you me, that is not fun. If you care about the SYHTD, you may end up sacrificing your health to get it done. Usually that consists of staying up late and not eating three meals a day or substituting cooking with take out or instant microwavable meals like Ramen or Easy Mac. But that’s OK. It’s a quick gradual fix to reset if you want to reverse the effects of procrastination by replacing it with not-procrastination week by week until you are back to SYHTD like refilling your gas tank with 91 several times after it empties to bring the engine back to optimal function to replace the 87 you have been filling it without realizing the damage it may do to your engine. Don’t procrastinate. It takes more time to procrastinate than to actually get done what you set out to do. You’ll start typing a sentence then suddenly glance down and see how dirty your keyboard is and grab a can of air. Next thing you know you’re hungry from all that phalange movement so you go make some pasta, but it’s too boring watching water boil so you turn on the TV in the kitchen to keep you company and all of a sudden Sheldon is trying to cheer Leonard up by offering to beat him at a game Leonard cares least about losing. After you eat you feel like you deserve a little break so you go take Fifi for a walk. When you get back, it’s time for a nap. When you wake up you need to fit together another piece of that 1,000 piece Simpsons puzzle. Don’t procrastinate. Like backwards Nike, just don’t do it.

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whatever it takes

You cannot force a good idea to come out of you like lemon juice. You must first sit and meditate, do some flame gazing, go running underneath a trail of oak trees, talk to Grandmother Willow, have some spumoni, drink black coffee, and draw a unicorn.

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People are different behind the wheel than in front of it.

Well, for starters, if you’re in front of the wheel, you don’t want to get run over. Haha, no I’m kidding. I wrote that statement just now and thought it sounded so profound until I really thought about it. Basically I’m trying to say you’re a different person while driving than not. Somehow driving is the one thing we do that really tests our patience to the point some have road rage. Why is that? I can never figure it out. The very same people who have terrible road rage can be the nicest, sweetest people in person. I don’t get it. So do those people hide their impatience behind the mask of being polite? Driving is a litmus test for how patient someone really is. Or is driving a separate animal all together and you can’t count it as a test for anything? Now that’s interesting. We should do a study of people’s personalities and how it correlates to what kind of driver they’ll be if such a study hasn’t been done yet. I could Google it, but I’m too lazy. There’s something cathartic about typing my guts out onto a blank piece of paper. I like it. 🙂

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on a tangent

Sometimes I feel like a silent loudspeaker. It’s like my thoughts and actions are being broadcast on some big screen somewhere that everybody knows except for me and everyone who is around me acts like they know nothing. Oh, wait…that’s like the Truman Show. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie, but I get the gist of it and I remember really liking it. It’s one of the few Jim Carrey movies I like. It’s sad though because every time I think of Jim Carrey, which is not very often, I think of depression. I think he has been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point and it made me sad to think a lot of comedians are going through this or have gone through this. It’s like you can’t be really funny without having gone through a lot of unpleasant experiences, some downright shitty.

Maybe we are all on our individual Truman Show and different shows collide. And that’s how black holes form. Or hurricanes and earthquakes happen. But I think I feel this way because people are way too judgmental. It just takes one look for me to know someone is judging me. Usually it’s something I share about myself with them. When I get that judgy vibe coming from them, it doesn’t encourage me to keep sharing. Or it makes me want to edit what I say in real-time. If I notice myself starting to do that with someone, that’s the beginning of me knowing I won’t be close friends with this person. In the best case scenario it’ll just take me a little longer to become good friends with this person. The funny thing is, people are quick to judge without knowing the whole picture. We can’t help it. It’s kind of in our DNA. We go for the worst in people. Let’s be curious thinkers instead of Negative Nancies.

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a piece of my mind

Sharted. That stands for shit and farted. When I see that word, I remember exactly who told me the meaning, how embarrassed I felt because of how loud the girl who told me the word was laughing, and how ridiculous the whole conversation was. I don’t think sharting is a common occurrence for a lot of people. It happens about as often as a blizzard. But the word makes me think of a shark simply because of how close these words sound. Who knows? Maybe sharting happens more often for sharks. J slash K! If you’re a non-smoker I’m all in. The girl had black hair. Actually I don’t know what to call it anymore since apparently there’s no such thing as black hair. Pocahontas! She had blue highlights as well.

 

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Unique Anticipation

There’s a feeling you get when you know something is about to happen. But then again, something may not happen. So you question it, back and forth like a pendulum. It’s a little like nervousness and it’s a little like throwing up. I know I’m not describing this feeling very well, but I don’t think there’s a word out there for it yet. I guess you just have to be in my body feeling what I’m feeling to really know what I’m talking about. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

You’re not going to ever feel exactly what I’m feeling. But it’s okay because I’m not ever going to feel exactly what you’re feeling either. There’s not another person out there exactly like me and there’s not another person out there exactly like you. Isn’t the world a wonderful place? So knowing this it makes me sad to think someone would feel so unworthy to be in existence they end their life by their own hands. Or someone would cause physical harm to themselves. People have seriously made life a lot more complicated than it is, but then again, maybe the way I experience reality is different from the way you experience yours so who am I to judge you for how you live? But if I don’t voice it out loud, I’m still going to do it in my head whether I notice it or not. You know what I mean?