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It’s been a month (5 days ago) since my father passed away and I’m still not over the shock. Neither is my mother. I don’t know what I was expecting, like I should be over it by now? I keep imagining in my head that all those around me must be expecting that I’d be over it by now, uncertain if I really am imagining these expectations or that’s really what they are expecting and then I think of course not, no one is expecting me to be over it by now, what a ridiculous thing to expect! Right?

I go back and forth and question myself and start to wonder if my thoughts are correct. Who does that? Moi, apparently. And then I wonder if that’s the right thing to do. I try to live day to day life as normally as possible, then something makes me think of him and the tears come. For my mother it’s worse. She used to work with him so every time she goes to work now she can’t avoid seeing someone who used to know him or used to work for him. The tears come uncontrollably and she carries them home with her. She can’t hide them from me and I feel bad. I don’t know how to stop feeling bad for my mother. I just worry about her.

It just doesn’t make sense. How can someone go from being here with you, talking to you, eating with you, listening to you one minute to Gone the next? I really don’t get it. I miss him so much.

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I don’t know how good we are about keeping in touch with friends. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. It seems as soon as your single situation changes to married, you lose touch with your friends. Maybe you make new married couple friends, but the friends you had as a single you struggle to keep up with. They may move away because of a job or getting hitched as well. And if you’re single and suddenly losing touch with your married friends, it’s because they are now married.

If you’re married, is it appropriate to have friends of the opposite sex? Or is that just a big no-no? Should your partner be the only friend you need or do you really need to see other people on a regular basis as well? But back to keeping in touch with friends..

I’ve talked to people who still keep in touch with their friends from high school and I’ve talked to a couple people who don’t. To the people who don’t, one common thread seems to be life got busy as they went away to college and started down the career path. I guess it comes down to responsibility? The more you are responsible for, the less time you have to worry about what everybody else is up to. But what happens if you go through a rough patch and your family doesn’t provide the support you need? Is that when you turn to therapists? I can see it now. Therapist: the new adult friend.

We are not made to walk this life alone. So even if we don’t get married, I think we’ll always need friends if family is not able to be around.

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This morning a manager was talking about her big family–her cousins, their kids, and more. That got me thinking that she’s lucky her whole family is here in America. That’s how it is with many American families. But it’s different with mine. My immediate family immigrated here a long time ago and besides one cousin here in the States, the rest of my extended family is back home–China. Growing up, my friends were fascinated with this fact about me and would sometimes ask me questions. They didn’t mean any harm and I was never left with a bad feeling, but I do remember sometimes feeling a bit angry thinking about it.

Thanksgivings and Christmases, it’s always me, my mom and my dad. Everybody else comes back from holidays with stories about aunts (by the way, an ant is a bug and an aunt is a relative) and uncles and cousins and grandmas. I would get jealous that everybody else could see their crazy family whenever they wanted (maybe not whenever, but pretty much when the other option is having family overseas) and my parents would have to wait until it’s daytime over there to make an international call to siblings or parents.

I don’t know when was the last time my parents got to celebrate Chinese New Year the right way in China. And I was so young when I left that it’s basically like never experiencing it at all.

I just hope that whoever has family here appreciates the closeness, even if your family is crazy and loud and obnoxious.