3

19.

The lady at orientation made it sound so good, like it would be so much fun and fun was as far as I could look as a recent high school senior. So here I am, a month, not planning the future like everybody else. They all are fast-forwarding to attending. Eating good food and sleeping in the most comfortable mattress and watching Disney movies because I got time to grow up. First semester didn’t go so well, but at least I didn’t fail out, not that I think it’s funny someone failed out due to a video game addiction. WOW is it? I know nothing about video games, only everything about every shade of snow. The ‘rents are away at work and I have the whole house to myself. It’s a lot of room for my thoughts to get out of control. The snow is beautiful and so are the robins hanging out on the bare branches, but that doesn’t change the fact up to this point I had been training for the Olympics and once I got in, the Olympics was over and I’m on my butt trying to figure out what my next move should be. Except I have no idea. All I want to do is be a Sheryl Crow song. At the end of this month it’s back to another semester of I don’t know. Another semester of stress beyond any freshman can imagine. Maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe I’m not, but the only ones who get it are the undergraduates of this school. They say I’m at the age where my whole life is ahead of me. I’ve heard my whole life “life is short.” So why does it feel so long?

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4

in which I dream of reality

I walked by a dandelion and picked up a walnut so that I could give it to you through the TV. It was a sunny day and I saw a robin swallow a worm. It was the kind of jean jacket meant to be left behind in a car to be sniffed later. Yellow teeth and roses are the perfect combo for that. Don’t you think so?

They say thirdhand smoke ruins children’s lives and I’m wondering how we got to thirdhand. Carrie Bradshaw would wonder with me. I’m over here, the robin whisperer, trying to make one stop tapping on a windshield while its cousin Earl taps on a window.

Relatives from far away can be more annoying than helpful. And even a body roll can’t dress this sick beat. But still I keep reading, hoping to jump through the time machine to the land before I was born because the robins there actually speak to me like I’m Mary Poppins.

0

You must be a dog whisperer.

You are a workaholic. You have no patience for malfunctioning computers and loquacious women. I’m over here like a dog listening to the sound of its master. I can hear how hard you work, but I’m always afraid to look. I’m afraid to either look into your eyes and give away some secret of mine or look at you and get nothing in return. I don’t know which one is worse. A dog always wants something from its master. And yet, you surprise me every time you scare me with declarations and questions. Because they are always the right ones, the ones that get to me. I don’t know how you do it.

5

bits and pieces

I can feel the anorexia setting in again. With a side effect of depression, no matter what I’m doing I feel stuck. I just stare at something, anything, frozen in place wherever I am. Because right now absolutely nothing makes sense except for what I eat or not eat. I’m in full hunting mode, taking care of the immediate problem in front of me and not thinking beyond that. Thinking beyond takes too much energy and it’s too foggy so like a true perfectionist, I don’t know where to begin. So I’m stuck in Groundhog Day, solving the same old problems I’ve always had like it’s my passion, proficiency, and profitability all rolled into one. I’m that horse circling round and round, getting thirsty, but instead of drinking the water like the logical thing to do would be, I keep circling. Like a hawk about to make a kill, only I never do.

0

things float

Down by Serenity Creek there’s a raspberry bush where a fish called Hooky swims by. The birds get first dibs on the raspberries. Hooky used to eat crickets, earthworms, and Rold Gold pretzels. Hooky used to splash water at strangers until he learned to trust. Trust came in the form of crickets, earthworms, and Rold Gold pretzels. Let the birds.