I was at a Chinese buffet yesterday with my mom (like Scarlett O’ Hara I feel like she is the only woman I can trust) and noticed many families on their phones instead of engaging with each other. Meanwhile my mom and I were swapping stories and laughing and having a good time together. It made me sad and disappointed to see so many disconnected families, but it made me grateful to have the time to spend with my mom in the way that I still can. I am cherishing every moment I get to spend with my mom. You just never know how long you have with someone.
Depression and fear can creep up on you before you are fully aware of it, like getting your period if you’re a girl. At least that’s how it is when I’m getting my period. (I hope this is not TMI.) I’m fine one day, then the next all of a sudden I’m starving all the time and really moody. I’m surprised every time, like I’ve never gotten my period before, and then it arrives and I’m thinking ohhh! That’s what was going on with me the last few days, duh! Every. Time.
Anyway, that’s kind of like how depression and fear creep up on you. When it does and you finally realize that’s what’s going on with you, you just feel…defeated if it’s the first time you’re going through it and disappointed if it’s not the first time. The truth is at different stages of your life you’re going to experience moments where you just don’t feel like you belong anywhere, but you’ll also experience moments of pure joy, where you know you are exactly where you’re supposed to be. I would tell you to hold onto those moments of pure joy when you are going through moments in the opposite direction, but that only works temporarily.
It takes peace. And that means shushing the voices in your head that confuse you. That can be a confusing process in itself, but it must be done to get the clarity you need so you can stop feeling down on yourself and letting your fears take the wheel.
Because of my past experiences I fully understand Kelly Clarkson’s song, “Because of You.” My parents. Because of my past experiences I am most attracted to listening to pop music. Also my parents, but mostly my dad. Because of my past experiences I have had to learn how to socialize. Me…and my parents. I feel weird admitting that, but if you knew the whole story, you would understand where I’m coming from. Because of my past experiences I’ve become better at reading people, both at work and outside of work. My former and current friends and co-workers. This one makes me sad to admit even though I know I’m not the only one. Sad because that’s the reality of humankind.
And reality…isn’t always how we pictured it to be. Usually it is depicted as something negative, a situation worse than we expect or want it to be. Maybe that’s why we spend so much time and money escaping from reality. Some of us build our whole lives around bigger and better ways we can escape reality. Some of us face it every day without ever getting a break. I just hope it doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. I want to believe reality can be something to look forward to all the time rather than to escape all the time.
My first reaction has been anger a lot lately and that is wrong. Wait, is there even such a thing as multiple reactions or are we limited to one reaction per situation? (Haha, I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Can you tell?) Anyway…I’ve noticed little things that didn’t bother me that much before now bother me so much, causing me to have a short fuse. Of course, I don’t have any examples because that’s how my brain works. Probably hours after I hit “publish” I’ll have this concrete example and be able to share my “aha!” moment, but this will be posted already so what’s the point, yeah? 😉 There’s no doubt I’m weird.
I thought about maybe I’m just losing my patience, like I’m just not as patient as I used to be. But I really don’t know the answer to my own question. I will say this though: I have become quicker to cut people out of my life who mess with me or don’t treat me right. I have a lower tolerance for people’s excuses, lies, and manipulation. (Which now thinking about it could all go under the category of manipulation, but I’ve been known to be redundant.) I think because of the experiences I have had I have become better at recognizing fake. I think I’ll take that over worrying about what people think of my short fuse.
I’m looking through a list of not so famous last words and am surprised to see “What duck?” on it. I’m trying to imagine what that line means exactly. Only I can’t because I keep coming up with nothing. This must be some duck if it contributed to someone’s last words. I’m imagining one that is a giant and wears a combat helmet and barks orders. That’s the first thing I think of, and it didn’t come to me right away. My second thought is a normal-sized duck that runs around and bites people. I just don’t know if one is vicious is enough to kill a human being. Plus that behavior reminds me more of a goose than a duck. Duck, duck, goose! Or maybe this duck is supposed to be a metaphor or something. Nah. That can’t be right. Whatever it is, this duck came as a surprise, messed up someone’s plans, thus ending their life. o.O It doesn’t seem to have a sense of humor either. I hope I never run into this duck…
It is raining right now and I started wracking my brain for any rainstorm memories and my brain started to get frustrated with me. I know there are plenty of times where it rained in my life, but the only memory I can think of right now is from third grade when my parents and I just got back from grocery shopping. We had parked the car at our apartment complex, but we didn’t want to get out of it on account of not having an umbrella. We sat for how long I don’t know, but it didn’t seem long because one of our neighbors eventually saw us. He walked out to our car with an umbrella and walked us back to our apartment. Mom thanked him for keeping us unsoaked.
I guess this memory stood out because it felt like a random act of kindness, even though technically it wasn’t since we knew our neighbor really well and he was just watching out for us. I didn’t tell my brain to wrack it up, it wracked it up on its own and I think that particular memory stood out for a good reason.
Kindness is how I want to remember 2018.
I want to tell someone there’s a significant change that happens when you hit your 30s. It’s not puberty #2 or anything, but you do feel it physically. Fatigue starts settling in on your body a lot faster and it takes you longer to recover, making you acutely aware you are no longer in your 20s.
I’m going through this now, even though it’s been two years since I hit 30. It takes a minute for 30 to sink in. It really does. I wanted to share in case anyone is about to go through this or can relate. Feeling tired easily is not a fun feeling, but after you are done with your 20s, you realize you’ve learned so many lessons the dumb, hard way. You appreciate the lessons, but they make you especially thankful you are done with your 20s.
Proceed with caution. My biggest fear right now is rambling too much. I really don’t know if that’s a typical 30s thing, but it seems to be a typical YuMin thing, whatever age she is. Maybe it’s just a part of me, but I can’t shake it, so I reluctantly let it stay. It’s like I have all this word vomit I must share due to previously mentioned lessons. Older, wiser, prouder?