As I see all these schools hosting virtual graduations, all of a sudden I’m truly deeply appreciative of the fact that I got to experience a real live graduation. But, stories like this one touched my heart. A university cancelled graduation, so one girl’s father built a stage in their driveway with a podium and everything so that she could have a normal graduation after all. Her aunt and family pastor gave speeches and their neighbors came out onto their lawns to watch and celebrate with her. How does that quote go? Necessity is the mother of invention? Whatever the quote was, this father’s gift to her daughter was it. And love. Pure love is what motivated this father’s actions. Building this commencement stage is a visual representation of what he’s feeling on the inside. When I read contrasting stories of violence going on around the world as a result of this pandemic, I think to myself, this world needs more love, especially the visual kind, to spread the love bug instead.
I hate this part right here. This is a story of a girl who got her heart broken again for the umpteenth time by the same guy, just looks different than the last one and the one before that. She notices all the toxic warning signs, but chooses to ignore them, though not on purpose. It’s like her brain is programmed to fall this way. It goes into a loop and can’t get out. Someone please smash it and watch it crumble like a chocolate chip cookie so she has a chance to start over as a different girl. Maybe a lobotomy would be easier. Who really knows? I just know I hate this part right here. This girl convinces herself there’s something wrong with her while her friends reassure her there’s nothing wrong with her. Maybe so, but that means there’s something wrong with love. Why else would this be the umpteenth time? Or maybe it wasn’t so much love that got her, but false hope? False hope will get anyone at any time. All the questions drive her nuts and she knows many of them she does not have the answers to nor will she get them. Only time and writing private letters help. After a while the umpteenth will fade back into an unpleasant memory, no, just a memory. Umpteenth will just be another lesson learned. I hate this part right here. Because no matter how many lessons I’ve learned in matters of the heart, I end up failing.
I like men; I’m just afraid of them. So I continue to live my nun existence and it will probably stay that way until I’m 100 or die, whichever comes first. I’m fast approaching my expiration date, though I hope I taste sweet, not sour when that happens. My stomach hurts. Ow. It’s really windy outside and makes me think of Chicago. I used to live there, but I don’t really have any pleasant memories unless you count a long time ago in my childhood that I’m fast forgetting yet holding onto at the same time. I can’t wait to fart it all out. Happy Veterans Day to you. I found out recently my grandfather is a WWII vet. He’s dying in China right now and there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know why I keep thinking that. He was 15 when he joined the army. He used to be a little over 6 feet tall. Well, physically he’s not anymore, but he will always live in my mind that tall because he was my hero growing up. Played basketball and ping pong and played board games with me to keep me company when my parents weren’t home. It’s because of him I’m pretty tall for an Asian girl haha. For an American I’m about medium height though.
wo ai ni, lao ye
After many talks with many different people, I have decided that marriage doesn’t have to be that one thing that makes me happy. (Mind you, I’m not talking about anyone else. I am talking about me, baby!) I truly believe, even if you do desire to get married someday, that you need to know how to be happy single first. Then you will have the tools you need to deal with whatever comes next. If you don’t do happy single first and you go straight to coupling up, you will have roadblocks or wasted time. The person you thought would be the answer to your happiness will disappoint you, the relationship will crumble and you will be onto the next relationship before you’ve had time to evaluate what happened. Then you find yourself on a merry-go-round you can’t get off of.
Now I understand that some people get lucky and meet that one person who may not have all the answers (because who really does, anyway?), but is willing to work with them on happiness, flaws, insecurities and everything in between, blah, blah, blah. That’s great. I just don’t believe it for me. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted as far as coupling up was concerned, but once I did, I came to this conclusion: if I can’t get married to someone who will only generally increase my happiness, then I want to be happy single. Marriage should be something that adds to my happiness, not complete it, and certainly not decrease it. So, being a straight girl, I want a man, but I don’t need one. So if I don’t meet the right one, I will learn to be happy on my own. And it will take learning what makes me happy as a single straight girl first before I go down either one of those paths.
I met a high school girl once who imagined what her wedding dress would look like, down to all the dirty details. I’m not sure, but it makes me feel that younger girls all dream about their wedding day, before they dream about who they will be when they grow up. It’s like a “thing” for teenaged girls to get boyfriends, to hurry up and get that first relationship experience before getting dropped off at Jaded City. That is simply not true. When I was a teenaged girl, I didn’t think about weddings really, let alone what mine would be like. I was thinking about school mostly. But beyond that, I wasn’t doing much thinking about the future. I was doing a lot of doing, if that makes sense, to prepare for a future I couldn’t really see except for what was expected of me. I was never one of those girls, who on her free time, thought about her wedding dress, her wedding cake, her bridesmaids’ dresses, her groom, how the proposal should go, what the ring will look like, and so on and so forth. (I’m not even sure back then I knew what all those things were, to be honest.) Because I didn’t think about these things, I got used to being single and doing what was expected of me.
I have an older friend who not only knows a lot about relationships because of the one she is in, but also from the stories her friends tell her. Over the years she’s spilled numerous stories about single girls, married women and those who have it in between—relationships that don’t seem to be headed anywhere solid. I think after hearing all these stories I finally understood that marriage is not the answer to happiness. What’s the point of being married to someone who is basically still living a bachelor lifestyle and doesn’t spend time with you? Don’t you end up feeling more lonely than you ever did single? You really have to find happiness within yourself. After all, besides God and maybe your parents if they are still around, who else knows you better than you? I’m sure there are some things even your closest bestie doesn’t know about you.
On the other hand, I know part of the appeal to coupling up is having a plus one on hand for certain occasions that it seems more appropriate to go as a twosome as opposed to attending solo. But then that specific idea messes with my head and sense of individualism. If we feel like we cannot attend an event alone, what does that say about us? That we care about what other people think? Or that we are clingy and can’t go to any event by ourselves?
Then there’s the fear of dying alone or ending up lonely. If you have a healthy happy marriage, you can probably prolong your life. However, if you’re like me and don’t see yourself meeting someone suitable and not caring what the world thinks of that, then there are some things you should do if you want to live a long happy life. I think the most important one is to have a social life. Sure, you can get a cat or a plant, but it’s just not the same as having some sort of regular human interaction. Plus if you have no amount of human interaction at all, you risk dying alone in your apartment and nobody finding out until your corpse started to reek and your cat ate half your face. No one wants that much paperwork!
Even if you do get married, don’t you want the person to love you for you? How are you going to know who the real you is without being single first? After all, a relationship with yourself is the only one you can’t break up with and isn’t that the best kind of relationship to invest in?
Bottom line? Be free to choose your own happiness. You don’t have to get married. It’s not a requirement. They don’t actually shoot single people.
I think a kiss cannot be asked for. It has to happen naturally, like some deep animalistic romantic desire that cannot be contained for one more millisecond. Because if it is contained, then a roaring meat-shredding-ready lion will be rattling cage bars to get the kiss out…to close the distance between the kissers’ faces…that allows the lovers’ lips to touch and win this battle. And when the first kiss happens, the war of love has just begun.
That’s the stuff of songs. Part of love is to cure loneliness, but part of it is for understanding, for intimacy. To have a reason to take care of each other and each others’ needs. So what happens if you never find it? Is that even possible with so many people in the world? Maybe there are people who seek the opposite of community and go around trying to find ways to isolate themselves. I don’t know. But I do think it’s sad if someone never finds out what love is.
And it’s not just limited to people either. Animals need love too. Plants need love. If you have a plant at home, speak to it like you would a person. It’ll live healthier and longer. (It’s storming pretty bad outside as I am typing this. It usually does right after my heart gets broken. More on that later.) I’m just saying that no matter what happens in the world, everything ends up centering around love.
People like to tell love stories. People like to listen to love stories. There’s no end to this. We expect our family to stand up for us and be supportive. That’s love. We all desire to be understood, to be free to be ourselves. No inhibitions. We show love in different ways. Even in action films, there’s at least a hint of a love story when two characters get to know each other better get each others’ backs. There may be a kiss snuck in there in between all the running away from the bad guy. See? Love sneaks up on you in the most unexpected places.
If you look carefully, you just might find it before it finds you.
I’m afraid of being vulnerable, so I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of getting close to someone and then having to say good-bye. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love in my 27.5 years of life. Today is my half birthday. And my new favorite quote is, “I’d rather be his whore than your wife.” Maybe this year I’ll finally fall in love. Who knows what could happen? ❤ 🙂
Sometimes when I’m lost and have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing “right now,” blogging is comforting. Even more so than listening to music and God knows how much I love listening to music. Blogging is an action and makes me feel like I’m “doing,” so is probably the reason why it’s more comforting.
See, the thing is, usually how it’s done is people show their feelings through “action.” Kissing, hugging, sexing. Just to name a few. I don’t. I can’t. Not that I physically can’t. I can. I just haven’t tested it out for real yet and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to. I’ve had chances, but I haven’t taken them because I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I use words. I listen to words. Sometimes I rely on words more than actions and that gets me into trouble.
“Do you want to have coffee or grab a meal some time?” It’s such a simple question, but it’s so hard to get to it. (For me at least.) Because I know that if I get to that question, I could be shot down. Or I could be accepted and then that leads to another and another acceptance and then before I know it, it’s time for a bigger commitment. Then it’s time for getting along and ugly days. I think I just don’t want to face the ugly days.
I think it’s time for a love letter. I’m wearing a peachy pink sparkly sweater with a heart in the center and that may have something to do with it. I also just watched Natasha Bedingfield’s music video to “Angel.” The song is all about standing up for your man when others are ragging on him and being his angel to protect him from pain and being there for him. I’m really glad this song was made because there are too many songs out there about jerks.
Despite all of the pain and heartache, miscommunications and socially awkward situations I have found myself in the past few years, I know You are out there. I still believe we shall find each other and be together in the end, not like a fairy tale, but together nonetheless. Perfectly compatible in our own way, not perfect.
I used to think to be with You, I have to make myself perfect first. Someone once said that so many girls are looking for the perfect man, but are doing nothing to be the perfect woman. But after trying so hard to please everybody, I have finally realized that being myself is enough. That said, I would like to mention the kinds of things I would like to be or do once I am with You. (And, no, I’m not talking about anything kinky.)
I want to be your personal cheerleader. I want to make you feel good about yourself, like the man that you are. I want you to have a delicious meal ready for you when you come home from work. I want you to be able to rely on me when you’ve had a bad day at work or when you’re going through something rough. I can give you a really good back massage for that, or something else, whatever you want. You let me know. I will be obedient to a certain degree, but I’ve also got to be free to do my own thing. Let’s not fight or yell at each other, but we can act out heated scenes to spice things up every once in a while. Let’s not ever put each other down, but instead listen with love.
Even so, I still desire to be your personal cheerleader and even if you should lose your job or all sense of who you are, I will not leave. You can count on me even more. I want to be there for you if you ever turn into a monster right before my eyes and forgive you and hold you should you need to cry. Because every man needs to cry at some point. You may be a tough cookie, but I know you’re a sensitive guy deep down. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a part of what makes you a man.
Please teach me about baseball, football, basketball and any other sport you are passionate about because I really want to learn from you. These are things I crave. And if you’re not into sports, that’s OK. I’ll just hope my love of basketball rubs off on you and that will be enough.
Despite all of the confusion in this hearty mess I’ve let myself endure over and over, I want you to know that I want to love you unconditionally.
The Girl With A Broken Smile
All of these thoughts, flirtations, glances and cracks at funnies are fifty times more intense when you’re in the room. I just want to know if you’re feeling what I’m feeling. I’m not OK. But I wish I could just act normal. Or at least, myself. Can you help me do that?