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on a tangent

Sometimes I feel like a silent loudspeaker. It’s like my thoughts and actions are being broadcast on some big screen somewhere that everybody knows except for me and everyone who is around me acts like they know nothing. Oh, wait…that’s like the Truman Show. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie, but I get the gist of it and I remember really liking it. It’s one of the few Jim Carrey movies I like. It’s sad though because every time I think of Jim Carrey, which is not very often, I think of depression. I think he has been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point and it made me sad to think a lot of comedians are going through this or have gone through this. It’s like you can’t be really funny without having gone through a lot of unpleasant experiences, some downright shitty.

Maybe we are all on our individual Truman Show and different shows collide. And that’s how black holes form. Or hurricanes and earthquakes happen. But I think I feel this way because people are way too judgmental. It just takes one look for me to know someone is judging me. Usually it’s something I share about myself with them. When I get that judgy vibe coming from them, it doesn’t encourage me to keep sharing. Or it makes me want to edit what I say in real-time. If I notice myself starting to do that with someone, that’s the beginning of me knowing I won’t be close friends with this person. In the best case scenario it’ll just take me a little longer to become good friends with this person. The funny thing is, people are quick to judge without knowing the whole picture. We can’t help it. It’s kind of in our DNA. We go for the worst in people. Let’s be curious thinkers instead of Negative Nancies.

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getting personal

Halfway through college I was Job. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to wear my glasses in front of anyone. I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I didn’t want to wear colors, only black and white and gray. It’s funny how I dressed according to what I learned from watching “A Cinderella Story” and listening to the commentary because twirling around in my downward spiral is what I thought defined me in the moment so I thought I needed to “dress the part.” What I’m talking about is, in the commentary of that movie, she says Sam dressed in colors when she gained her confidence back, but in gray and blue when she became really insecure after being made fun of for who she was. So I started doing this when I felt really down on life.

Then you said you thought of me when we were discussing Job in class and I was like, “you knew me in college?!” But I quickly realized you were referring to something else about me that is related to the story of Job. I can’t remember it now and not being able to remember what exactly that was frustrates me. It’s not something I usually do—share something really personal about myself with someone I just met.

Whenever you share something really personal about yourself to someone, that person takes a part of you with them. At least it feels that way. If you never see them again, it’s like that piece of you goes with them and you’ll never be able to take it back, like a sent text message. If you do see them again, you know they hold onto a secret side of you that could be unleashed unintentionally to other people you may not want to know about it. And that’s dangerous to know.

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Expectation vs. Reality

So it’s a new year again, huh? Have I ever talked about how chick flicks are porn for women? This idea came to me from someone I used to know. He lives in Seattle now, and the story of how I almost became a pastor’s wife is for another time. Anyway, the reason why he would say chick flicks are porn for women is simply because of expectation vs. reality. You know, that video trend on YouTube where people compare, for example, what they expect to happen on a sick day vs. what actually happens on a sick day. Just like porn is an unrealistic expectation of what sex with a woman is really like for men, chick flicks is an unrealistic expectation of what a healthy relationship with a man is really like for women. I think what my Seattle friend was getting at is it is just as unhealthy for women to binge watch chick flicks as it is for men to binge watch porn. Men and women cannot live up to the expectations presented in these videos so it is unhealthy for both genders to keep filling their brains with certain ideal images when these desires will never be fulfilled.

I see his point, but I still think comparing chick flicks to porn is a little extreme. I don’t know why really, I just think this example is a bit too much. Plus I think nowadays you can learn valuable relationship lessons from chick flicks that you may not have been able to before, from the hopeless romantic ones. There are ones that teach you if you like someone, you have to go for it instead of waiting around for them to notice you. Some teach you that being there for someone when they really need you is all a relationship is. Still others teach you taking time to be single can be really good for you instead of relationship hopping.

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Crooked

You know that part in “Going the Distance” when Drew Barrymore’s character tells Justin Long’s character her timeline is off? Yeah, that’s me. And I know I’m probably not the only one out there going through a crooked life timeline, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I do, however, feel comfort in knowing that when I get through this stage of my life, I’ll be able to help those who get stuck feeling this way through sharing my experiences. But that’s such a remote comfort it almost seems absurd to even have this kind of comfort exist in the world. Maybe I just made it up?

(Well, just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, a crooked life timeline a la “Going the Distance” style is, in one example, being a 31-year-old intern.)

On a side note, it makes me sad to think some people have so much potential to become someone outstanding, but because other people are so jealous, they do everything they can in their power to tear that person down before that person has realized their full potential. In some cases, this leads to a crooked life timeline, but of course, no path is ever taken without at least partial influence coming from the walker himself. After all, it is the walker who chose the path in the end, regardless of who influenced their decision to go down that path.

(Sorry guys, this isn’t my most optimistic post, but I just had to share. Sharing is caring. ;))