We are all doctors. I’m having anxiety over having anxiety. This diagnosis happened only because I was scrolling through Facebook and I found a list a Friend had shared over the symptoms of anxiety. I have every single one of them and then I became anxious reading over the list. Then I laughed at this silly exercise because maybe I don’t have anxiety at all and am only suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. You read about a disease in a book and from the listed symptoms think you have that disease because you are exhibiting those symptoms. Does that make us all doctors if we can read? Yeah, I’m probably anxious. It’s making me antsy just thinking about possibly having anxiety vs. possibly suffering under Med School Reading Anxiety. Maybe I’m looking into this too much. Maybe I have something totally different. I don’t know what that is exactly, but I do have a vague idea. Only I don’t know what it’s called. Hypochondriac comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong though. That’s NOT the same thing as Med School Reading Anxiety. Now I think I’m just suffering under Verbosity. Oi. This is me having anxiety over having anxiety.
I’m looking through a list of not so famous last words and am surprised to see “What duck?” on it. I’m trying to imagine what that line means exactly. Only I can’t because I keep coming up with nothing. This must be some duck if it contributed to someone’s last words. I’m imagining one that is a giant and wears a combat helmet and barks orders. That’s the first thing I think of, and it didn’t come to me right away. My second thought is a normal-sized duck that runs around and bites people. I just don’t know if one is vicious is enough to kill a human being. Plus that behavior reminds me more of a goose than a duck. Duck, duck, goose! Or maybe this duck is supposed to be a metaphor or something. Nah. That can’t be right. Whatever it is, this duck came as a surprise, messed up someone’s plans, thus ending their life. o.O It doesn’t seem to have a sense of humor either. I hope I never run into this duck…
What if you could plant an animal and raise a plant? No rules, just straight up it would work. No logistics, just straight up animals growing up in a garden with roots and all. They could run around like their usual animal selves, but somehow they’d be planted on land at the same time. No sunshine necessary, just straight up plants staying grounded, yet mobile all over the land and sea. Like an oxymoron of sorts? I’m not sure that is the right word, but you know what I mean.
If these things were possible we could re-shape farm life. (Obviously.) But maybe plants and animals wouldn’t even be considered part of farm life anymore. These new organisms would become part of a brand new world. Plants and animals would serve different functions than they do now. What that would be I really don’t know…yet…
It is raining right now and I started wracking my brain for any rainstorm memories and my brain started to get frustrated with me. I know there are plenty of times where it rained in my life, but the only memory I can think of right now is from third grade when my parents and I just got back from grocery shopping. We had parked the car at our apartment complex, but we didn’t want to get out of it on account of not having an umbrella. We sat for how long I don’t know, but it didn’t seem long because one of our neighbors eventually saw us. He walked out to our car with an umbrella and walked us back to our apartment. Mom thanked him for keeping us unsoaked.
I guess this memory stood out because it felt like a random act of kindness, even though technically it wasn’t since we knew our neighbor really well and he was just watching out for us. I didn’t tell my brain to wrack it up, it wracked it up on its own and I think that particular memory stood out for a good reason.
Kindness is how I want to remember 2018.
I want to go relax on the beach. Actually, I want to go somewhere I don’t have to overanalyze anything or do anything that has to be done. Because things that have to be done are such silly poos. Maybe that’s not the right word. I call my friends that I like silly poos, not my obligations. Friends that I don’t like are called friends. Anyway…wouldn’t it be nice to escape forever? Or if not forever, at least for a long period of time to some magical place where there is no concept of time so when you come back, you haven’t aged and can pick up right where you left off. Narnia! That’s it. Is Narnia like that? It’s been so long since I’ve seen the movie and read the book. I have the book, but I’m too lazy to extricate it from its home on the shelf and read it again to answer my own question. I’d have to read as fast as Albert from “How to Build a Better Boy” for that to work anyway. It would be nice to be able to talk to books. Then they could answer my questions for me. There would be no need for Google or encyclopedias. Yes, you have entered into the weirdness of YuMin’s mind after work.
I want to tell someone there’s a significant change that happens when you hit your 30s. It’s not puberty #2 or anything, but you do feel it physically. Fatigue starts settling in on your body a lot faster and it takes you longer to recover, making you acutely aware you are no longer in your 20s.
I’m going through this now, even though it’s been two years since I hit 30. It takes a minute for 30 to sink in. It really does. I wanted to share in case anyone is about to go through this or can relate. Feeling tired easily is not a fun feeling, but after you are done with your 20s, you realize you’ve learned so many lessons the dumb, hard way. You appreciate the lessons, but they make you especially thankful you are done with your 20s.
Proceed with caution. My biggest fear right now is rambling too much. I really don’t know if that’s a typical 30s thing, but it seems to be a typical YuMin thing, whatever age she is. Maybe it’s just a part of me, but I can’t shake it, so I reluctantly let it stay. It’s like I have all this word vomit I must share due to previously mentioned lessons. Older, wiser, prouder?
The feeling of exhaustion consumes me, like imagining what drowning would be like, only without the euphoria. I know how I got here, too, but I can’t even admit it out loud for fear it becomes reality, even though it is my reality.
Perfectionism is a beast you can’t defeat. It rides on your back and keeps your head facing the screen. You must impress the high-brows or else. You must type the right words or enter the right numbers. You must must. Your heart dances, but not in a good way. It wants to grow a pair of legs and run away.
Run away to somewhere it feels safe to be itself. Somewhere no harm can come to it and nothing can tell it to stay in one place, musting into infinity. In this place there’s no beyond. There’s only Groundhog Day.
The days blend together and it’s hard to tell if you’ve been through the trenches already or it’s only just starting. All you know is the feeling of exhaustion.