That was one of the words my ex-boyfriend used to describe me. He was wrong about a lot of things, but he was right about that one and that one right thing was what I hated the most about him and me together. It’s funny it sometimes takes a romantic relationship to learn who I am, but that’s what happened seven years ago. To me, being nervous and easily upset is the worst thing in the world. I don’t know why I feel that way or where the feeling comes from. I just do. But more specifically I hate the word “high-strung.” I don’t even like saying it. It’s like if I’m thinking about saying it I’ll have to pull a Harry Potter and just call it a “you-know-what” instead. Like, my ex-boyfriend used to call me a you-know-what. That doesn’t sound right either so that’s probably why it never became a thing. Not that I hope it does because that would be weird. I just think “high-strung” makes me think of “crazy” and while I like being called a crazy writer, I don’t like being called “crazy.” Is that so crazy?
So it’s a new year again, huh? Have I ever talked about how chick flicks are porn for women? This idea came to me from someone I used to know. He lives in Seattle now, and the story of how I almost became a pastor’s wife is for another time. Anyway, the reason why he would say chick flicks are porn for women is simply because of expectation vs. reality. You know, that video trend on YouTube where people compare, for example, what they expect to happen on a sick day vs. what actually happens on a sick day. Just like porn is an unrealistic expectation of what sex with a woman is really like for men, chick flicks is an unrealistic expectation of what a healthy relationship with a man is really like for women. I think what my Seattle friend was getting at is it is just as unhealthy for women to binge watch chick flicks as it is for men to binge watch porn. Men and women cannot live up to the expectations presented in these videos so it is unhealthy for both genders to keep filling their brains with certain ideal images when these desires will never be fulfilled.
I see his point, but I still think comparing chick flicks to porn is a little extreme. I don’t know why really, I just think this example is a bit too much. Plus I think nowadays you can learn valuable relationship lessons from chick flicks that you may not have been able to before, from the hopeless romantic ones. There are ones that teach you if you like someone, you have to go for it instead of waiting around for them to notice you. Some teach you that being there for someone when they really need you is all a relationship is. Still others teach you taking time to be single can be really good for you instead of relationship hopping.
“We’re like a beer commercial.”
Now those are words I have never heard any of my girl friends say to me. But I have often thought of what it would be like to really look like a beer commercial. At least, up close and personal, vicariously. Maybe I like to live vicariously through others because I’m a scaredy cat. It’s like I need to know someone is going to experience something and come out alive before I can experience the same thing. Without that safety I don’t want to find out what’s like to be first. If you can guarantee I can get in a NASCAR car, race it, and come out alive, I’ll do it. Otherwise it’s one of those activities I’ll have to add to the “Don’t Try This At Home” list.
So this may not be the same thing, but it’s like I have to do things like a man before I’ll ever be satisfied with being a woman. And that’s not going to make me very attractive to many men. Which is probably why I’m going to die an old maid someday. Men like to feel needed, even if they know you can do everything yourself. Well, fine, then the only thing I’ll need help with from a man is lifting heavy objects and yeah, that other thing I can’t do by myself. But what man truly would want to be a boy toy?
Alright, give me that beer commercial challenge instead.
I think if someone cheats on you, you should think of it as an example of why you two are not compatible. It’s going to hurt what that person did to you, but in a way, just take it as you two are not meant to be together. It doesn’t have to be this long drawn-out heartache. Save yourself the emotional pain.
Of course, I’m only sounding so calm about this because I have not had someone cheat on me before (that I know of). I also wouldn’t say anything is wrong with you if you find someone cheating on you. It just means this relationship wasn’t meant to last. Still, I wouldn’t wish cheating on anybody. However you look at it, it still hurts.
There’s an old Chinese story about a man who loves dragons. He loved them so much, yet once when a real dragon came to see him, he got scared and ran away. I feel that way about some things. Namely, relationships.
I would like to be in one at some point, but the thought of actually being in one scares me and if it were to happen, I’d probably want to run away. I feel conflicted about that. A meaningful relationship with a guy is something I do desire, but I don’t think I’m ready for it just yet. I’m working on it, but I don’t want to rush things.
Relationships=dragon for me. That’s one mean dragon I’m not ready to slay yet.
On a completely different note, I’m thinking about getting specific on here.
I’m not the jealous type, but I do get jealous. When I think of “jealous type,” I’m thinking of what someone calls someone in a relationship when that someone seems to get jealous over every person of the opposite sex who approaches, talks, touches or whatever their SO, even if this interaction really meant nothing (assuming that we’re talking about a straight couple here, but the same principle applies for all couples). Basically, a person who is easily rattled, especially when it involves their person of interest. Yeah, I’m not the jealous type. But of course I have my moments when I’m jealous. The thing is, I think when I’m jealous, it’s a reflection of my insecurities. Oh, she’s so much prettier than me, I’ll think. I think that’s my first insecurity because I tend to think I’m smart enough, funny enough and maybe even intellectual enough albeit I understand I still have a lot to learn, just not good enough looks-wise. Looks is where I feel I lack. It’s not that I think I’m ugly. I just think compared to some other girls, I’m not put-together enough. So I’ll have this jealous thought and then move on. I won’t obsess over it. I know I’m born with what I’m born with and I can’t change that, so why mope about it? Be happy with what I got. I’m just saying I have insecurities just like everybody else. But I’m not the jealous type.